Hello! One or two people... maybe.

About that accountability I was talking about last time.  Yeah....the shit has hit the fan!  Well for the old place.  Let's just say that karma is a bitch which is precisely why I try to stay on her good side. I wouldn't consider myself religious (brought up with Catholic guilt for sure!) but if there was one idea/theology/religion I can get behind, it's karma.  The golden rule, get what you give, you scratch my back I'll scratch yours.

I don't need an ultimate figure to pray to or a God to idolize.  All I want is people to be good to each other.  If only life was fair and the ultimately the shit you throw at someone else hits comes back at you like a boomerang.  Can you imagine a world where people realize their actions have consequences - big, small, whatever?  How much more considerate would people be to each other.  If I ruled the world... I would make Karma law (if that were even remotely possible).

I really do need to look into Karma, study the history and theology of it.

This year I have realized just how important the company you keep is.  Between the guys at work, the friends I hang out with and the people who live with you.  They all change who you are in the present and help determine who you will become.  Choose them wisely!  I've been surrounded by soo much drama over the past few years that I've forgotten what it feels like to not be stressed,  to just enjoy life, and I'm not even there yet.  Even though I've quit the soul killing job and left the house that drove my insane I'm still wound up.  There's an underlying stress that I can't control or really affect.  Someday it will eventually go away but that's months/years away.  Some of it is money related the other half is being forced to depend on someone I can't trust.  Vague enough for ya?  

Til then all I can do is build the future I want and rekindle the good relationships I have been avoiding.  Personally I don't like to talk to old friends when all I have to talk about is how much I hate my life or rant about the ridiculousness of the drama I couldn't escape.  Life is just so much better when you take a moment to look at your life and actually begin to take care of yourself.  

**From here on out 'my boy' will now be known as "W."  Two words is too long when referencing my boyfriend and best friend.  Since I have and will be referencing him a lot**

Over the past year I keep asking myself who I want to be.  I still don't know.  I want to be self-reliant, be a homemaker (if children are somehow involved).  Close(r) to the earth and more conscious of how I affect the big picture.  "Bag It" is a good documentary - I think I mentioned it before, but just the vast amount of crap we all go through is mind-bloggling and I can't seem to get it out of my head.  Too bad going green can be so expensive (I'm referencing clothes here).    There's an etsy shop I love but just about everything is $100+.  Great materials, earth friendly dyes, handmade, and is so granola I'm in love.  I just can't afford it period.  Not to mention since I've totally let myself go I don't even want to buy clothes - It's like admitting I'm actually this big.

I'm not huge. I have always been big, very shy, and I was smaller once.  It's been planted in my head that if I were smaller I would be happier.  I would. I know I would be.  This ain't no anorexia shit either.  I'm 5'7 and probably weigh slightly over 180.  I'm ashamed of how I look now - fortunately my skin is finally coming back from the dark side!

blarg. got distracted.  Time to post this bitch.  Apologies for the cliff ending....

Ciao Bellas!

I've probably mentioned this before or perhaps I haven't because I've been fixated on my weight, but either way I suppose I can consider myself a fledgling tree-hugger, hippie, environmentalist...or my favorite going granola. 

I watch as many documentaries as I can (when the boyfriend's not around so I don't bore him to death).  Most of them are similar because I tend to focus on food and environmental docs.  I watch these movies (essentially all saying similar things in different ways - WE NEED TO CHANGE!) to reinforce my own attempts at being a 'better' or more educated person.  I've gotten rid of most toxic cleaners - although finding alternative cleaners that are an alternative to vinegar has been interesting sometimes.  The boyfriend can not stand the smell of vinegar to the point where it makes him nauseous.  Anyways, I just finished watching the film Bag It.  More stats on what we are doing to the planet, trying to portray the mind boggling scope of our own waste - on even a daily or hourly or 5 min basis.  It's actually quite sickening.

The other day I was Trader Joe's (which I love by the way) but I had trouble bringing myself to buying any veggies.  Why they are all wrapped in plastic - which seems a bit odd in comparison to their ideals or at least the image they want the public to see of them.  Perhaps Trader Joe's never intended to have produce in their stores (from the get go) but really I couldn't find a head of romaine lettuce that stood on it's own.  All lettuces were wrapped in some way or another - the romaine always in three packs.  I only needed one!

One of my main goals for myself is to really stop buying or consuming things I really don't need....but I will always buy makeup I won't use or clothes I won't wear.  Why because I think they are awesome but then I don't care enough in my appearance to look decent enough and tend to have too little money to really go out anywhere.  I used to but back then I was on borrowed credit, a mistake which has very much shaped who I am today.

I fear I will become on of those people who shove their ideals in your face and try to make you feel bad about yourself because you haven't heard all of the horrible things I am consistently exposing myself to.  The truth seems to be this ugly thing that no one wants to look at.

I need to get a garden up and going - just a little one that's all I need. Until eventually it will take over the entire apartment and we engineer a way to turn the apartment into an indoor greenhouse.  And when I say tomatoes I mean tomatoes damn it, and basil and broccoli and onions and all the other wonderful foods that will taste better when homegrown.  I assume it will taste better because of the SPAM theory.  As a kid my Dad would tell me that SPAM was the most disgusting thing ever until they went camping at which point it would be transformed into this wonderfully flavorful delight.  Mind you my Grandma did a lot of cooking.  She had seven kids and I doubt she and her husband made much, he was a high school teacher and she was a nurse, but I don't know for how long or if she worked after she started having kids.  Either way her cooking was amazing, oh how I miss Grandma's cooking.  I tell you this simply because compared to real food I'm sure SPAM was awful.  But once you're running around in the woods for a few days living off of canned beans and other various canned goods...SPAM's not looking so bad. 

So the SPAM theory is a bit off from homegrown tasting better - the original thought had something to do with effort and working up and appetite.  Oh well, the SPAM theory is officially out into the interwebs.  This post is now considered a success.

Now what was I talking about initially?  Something about crazy tree-huggers. I kid...for the most part.  I never want to be in anyone else's face but considering how awful people have been to each other and the planet I can understand the need and want to try and shake sense into others.  Am I perfect, obviously not.  I like to go to raves - talk about disposable waste, glow sticks anyone?  I bought one of every color of those color fading flashlights. Booyah bitches.  They're brighter last longer and allow me to see the handle inside that nasty port-a-potty (not that anyone ever wants to see the inside of one).  And yes I do still buy glowsticks...why?  Because they're cheap, they look cool, and it ain't a rave without um.  Oh hypocrisy. 

Can I admit that I don't want to think about using anything reusable for cleaning out the litter box?  I try to limit the plastic packaging I buy, I definitely recycle and I save any plastic bag I come across for cleaning out the litter box.  Although that is more because I am cheap vs. saving the planet (obviously because it then goes immediately to a land fill). Ugh.  No wonder 'hippies' are so grumpy all the time.  People are fucking frustrating.

My boss is frustrating - bet you think it's because he doesn't care about the planet or stuff like that.  Nope! Quite the opposite really.  He's the guy preaching about how green he is because of this or that.  He has great intentions and tries to follow through on his own words and promises and to be honest his ideals are commendable....but sometime's you just want to punch him in the face.

Why?  I do the shopping at work.  The guys in the office are used to good food - think organic as close to natural as possible with exceptions of course. We're human...but I am the one who gets the plastic and sustainable speeches over and over again.   I would say that the company is on the cusp of doing really well financially and we are getting closer and closer to building the company they've been working towards.  But when it comes to money it's not there yet.  So me buying organic apples, produce, meat and other things well that costs money and quite frankly, if I weren't a catch all, a lot of food would just rot in our fridge.

Considering what my finances have been over the past 6-7 months one should understand why I hate wasting money on things that rot.  Makeup's different - it doesn't go bad for months/years!  Short recap - I left my job which was costing my hundreds of dollars on chiropractic care for a job that cut my earnings in half.  We're talking earning roughly 1400 (take home) a month to just above or under a grand.  I went from getting a $7-800 check every two weeks to getting $1000 at the beginning of the month.  You take out rent and budgeting utilities (the money had to be there to come out) and suddenly you are out half a paycheck.  Let's just say Christmas was lean this year and I got pretty good at budgeting/learning to entertain myself at home.  I put off $30 purchases for months.  I still haven't gotten a hair cut...I've gotten my eyebrows done once since my pay increase back up to normal size. 

Of course I have spent a bunch of money buying essential oils and other natural cosmetic supplies.  Gotta build up an aresenal.  Or this is just what I do - I get into a new phase and buy as many of the supplies as I can afford to go with my new thing.  I lose a lot of money.  It's a bad habit - I like new things or really cool old things, both of which are expensive.  I will learn to make my own clothes or so I tell myself.  I want good natural fabrics but I am not spending $60 on a shirt (a plain shapeless tee). it's ridiculous.  Someday I can buy $40 of fabric, make a skirt, a shirt and perhaps save bits of the fabric to make a scarf or something.  I have no idea.  I haven't gotten a chance to get into it yet.

I threw a curve ball at myself and I'm still limping off the field from catching said ball with my face.  I love metaphors, they don't really have to make sense.

Well I am now officially tired and rambling so I think this is a good place to end for the evening.

Ciao Bellas!

So this blog was intended to keep my accountable for not doing what I said I would be doing.

Well...surprise, surprise...I have neither done what I set out to do or keep myself accountable for not doing said things.  I knew this would happen.  However, I will say that I have in fact been fairly busy and have spent the last few weeks in recovery and discovering a new frame of life.

I believe that the last few times I wrote I was angry, anxious, frustrated, overly stressed, and basically just wanted to tell everyone to "fuck off!"  Oddly enough, that's kinda what I did.  Okay not everyone just the people who were unintentionally giving me the most grief.

Essentially I freaked the fuck out and moved out of my house and into a new apartment in a two week span.  My head is still spinning from the reality of it and wondering how in the hell I actually managed to pull it off??  I have  never done anything like this before.

I should say that a big contributor to my freak out/motivation was the diet pills I was taking.  In the beginning they were great because I was never hungry and I was warm instead of cold (tail end of winter/coldest part of spring) and I had endless amounts of energy.  Unfortunately, I had endless amounts of energy and clarity as long as I was at my desk.  However, since I wasn't eating much the few times I rode my bike home I could feel my legs ache with every hill I needed to climb.  At the time my house was slightly uphill the full 6.5 miles.

There were definitely other draw backs as well.  I wasn't sleeping - I didn't need to.  Well, let me rephrase, I would go to bed late, wake up multiple times worried I had overslept, and then I would wake up early.  So I was almost never rested.  Beyond the sleeping I have been having the worst acne of my life.

My face was pretty bad for a while too - the usual high school stuff and it really runs in my family.  I suppose I am here to admit everything...acne while it has been pretty bad in my life wouldn't be nearly as bad if I didn't pick.  It's the grossest thing I can think of and the reason I have always done it is because the idea of pus (anywhere!) absolutely disgusts me so I needed it out of my body.

That's probably weird, but I'd rather get it out of my face and deal with a scab than pus.  Until dried out skin became the next target to destroy.  This disgusting background is only to demonstrate the toll that this acne from the past few months has been like.  So pair breaking out with heightened anxiety and jittery fingers.  It's been horrible. I finally feel like I can begin to wear my hair up again - obviously with makeup.

This is where I tell you I have stopped taking the pills.  The main side affects that I had when I was on them were the ones mentioned above, bad BO (my body was doing everything it could to release those extra toxins), and another topic no one wants. I haven't pooed normally since I started them.

Unfortunately these are the things no one wants to say or hear.  But here they are and they are true.  Of course, this blog has turned into a weight/food thing I knew it would even though I didn't want it to.  I guess that's what I'm focused on for now, so that's what I'm  going to talk about.  Sorry.

I'm writing today because: 1. I haven't in forever 2. I want this to become a habit and 3. I've been watching this show called Supersize vs. Superskinny.  Leave it to the Brits to have a show pitting an obese person with a severely underweight person and having them meet in their underwear and forcing them to swap diets for a week.  I of course love it.  I find it absolutely fascinating.

They of course, so far of what I have seen all worked to improve their eating habits and done fairly well.  But trying to get to the roots of my issues are easy and hard. 

I am aware of my unhealthy relationship with food.  For about 2 hrs the left over sausage from last night's dinner beckoned me from the fridge.  I resisted that but gave into yogurt with jam. YUM!  My delicious yogurt is not the point here.  My current relationship stems from two stages of history. The first being that I have grown up heavy.  There were apparently issues from childhood that I have blocked out (to the best of my knowledge, I really can't remember 90% of childhood).  So issues, teamed with a single Dad who worked long hours to provide for his two daughters led to overeating and being overweight.  At the end of high school and the beginning of college I decided enough was enough and essentially stopped eating.

I lost the weight I wanted to, almost fainted (only once), was tired a lot, and of course my skin was horrendous.  I have always assumed malnutrition.  During that time I felt soo weak.  I  can't stand feeling weak.  I'm not sure where that came from but for example:  If I drank too much one night I would rather have the spins and deal with the hangover for 2 days than throw up (to get it out of my system).  I never got to the point of bulimia - which I had decided was my low point to admit that I had an eating disorder.  Somehow I got over it or decided I wanted some cheese, or I don't remember... either way I went towards the opposite end of the spectrum.  I began to overeat again and soon that habit was a way of me making sure that I wasn't under eating.  At the time that seemed like a better option.

So which prison is worse?  Daydreaming ALL day about the foods you want to eat and deny yourself. Or cram in more food because you don't want to leave your room because your clothes don't fit and you just polished off another snack.  Both are rooted in a deep seeded hatred for your body.  Both symptoms come from the same virus. 

Looking back it seems silly considering how much I love food and the taste of food.  I clearly don't need to worry about not eating enough anymore.

I weighed myself just now 179.4.  Currently the heaviest I have ever seen on a scale before.  I don't feel that heavy.  I know that I am and I'm not even sure if I look like 180.  Either way I have naturally sat around 150 (until I decided that was too big and did a semi-anorexia thing).

So there you go my unhealthy relationship with food - and it's rather long TMI introduction.  But that's what I have and it's true.  Despite the lack that I probably should have lied/hidden most of that.

Thank you and Goodnight.

Perhaps I'll see you soon!