So this blog was intended to keep my accountable for not doing what I said I would be doing.

Well...surprise, surprise...I have neither done what I set out to do or keep myself accountable for not doing said things.  I knew this would happen.  However, I will say that I have in fact been fairly busy and have spent the last few weeks in recovery and discovering a new frame of life.

I believe that the last few times I wrote I was angry, anxious, frustrated, overly stressed, and basically just wanted to tell everyone to "fuck off!"  Oddly enough, that's kinda what I did.  Okay not everyone just the people who were unintentionally giving me the most grief.

Essentially I freaked the fuck out and moved out of my house and into a new apartment in a two week span.  My head is still spinning from the reality of it and wondering how in the hell I actually managed to pull it off??  I have  never done anything like this before.

I should say that a big contributor to my freak out/motivation was the diet pills I was taking.  In the beginning they were great because I was never hungry and I was warm instead of cold (tail end of winter/coldest part of spring) and I had endless amounts of energy.  Unfortunately, I had endless amounts of energy and clarity as long as I was at my desk.  However, since I wasn't eating much the few times I rode my bike home I could feel my legs ache with every hill I needed to climb.  At the time my house was slightly uphill the full 6.5 miles.

There were definitely other draw backs as well.  I wasn't sleeping - I didn't need to.  Well, let me rephrase, I would go to bed late, wake up multiple times worried I had overslept, and then I would wake up early.  So I was almost never rested.  Beyond the sleeping I have been having the worst acne of my life.

My face was pretty bad for a while too - the usual high school stuff and it really runs in my family.  I suppose I am here to admit everything...acne while it has been pretty bad in my life wouldn't be nearly as bad if I didn't pick.  It's the grossest thing I can think of and the reason I have always done it is because the idea of pus (anywhere!) absolutely disgusts me so I needed it out of my body.

That's probably weird, but I'd rather get it out of my face and deal with a scab than pus.  Until dried out skin became the next target to destroy.  This disgusting background is only to demonstrate the toll that this acne from the past few months has been like.  So pair breaking out with heightened anxiety and jittery fingers.  It's been horrible. I finally feel like I can begin to wear my hair up again - obviously with makeup.

This is where I tell you I have stopped taking the pills.  The main side affects that I had when I was on them were the ones mentioned above, bad BO (my body was doing everything it could to release those extra toxins), and another topic no one wants. I haven't pooed normally since I started them.

Unfortunately these are the things no one wants to say or hear.  But here they are and they are true.  Of course, this blog has turned into a weight/food thing I knew it would even though I didn't want it to.  I guess that's what I'm focused on for now, so that's what I'm  going to talk about.  Sorry.

I'm writing today because: 1. I haven't in forever 2. I want this to become a habit and 3. I've been watching this show called Supersize vs. Superskinny.  Leave it to the Brits to have a show pitting an obese person with a severely underweight person and having them meet in their underwear and forcing them to swap diets for a week.  I of course love it.  I find it absolutely fascinating.

They of course, so far of what I have seen all worked to improve their eating habits and done fairly well.  But trying to get to the roots of my issues are easy and hard. 

I am aware of my unhealthy relationship with food.  For about 2 hrs the left over sausage from last night's dinner beckoned me from the fridge.  I resisted that but gave into yogurt with jam. YUM!  My delicious yogurt is not the point here.  My current relationship stems from two stages of history. The first being that I have grown up heavy.  There were apparently issues from childhood that I have blocked out (to the best of my knowledge, I really can't remember 90% of childhood).  So issues, teamed with a single Dad who worked long hours to provide for his two daughters led to overeating and being overweight.  At the end of high school and the beginning of college I decided enough was enough and essentially stopped eating.

I lost the weight I wanted to, almost fainted (only once), was tired a lot, and of course my skin was horrendous.  I have always assumed malnutrition.  During that time I felt soo weak.  I  can't stand feeling weak.  I'm not sure where that came from but for example:  If I drank too much one night I would rather have the spins and deal with the hangover for 2 days than throw up (to get it out of my system).  I never got to the point of bulimia - which I had decided was my low point to admit that I had an eating disorder.  Somehow I got over it or decided I wanted some cheese, or I don't remember... either way I went towards the opposite end of the spectrum.  I began to overeat again and soon that habit was a way of me making sure that I wasn't under eating.  At the time that seemed like a better option.

So which prison is worse?  Daydreaming ALL day about the foods you want to eat and deny yourself. Or cram in more food because you don't want to leave your room because your clothes don't fit and you just polished off another snack.  Both are rooted in a deep seeded hatred for your body.  Both symptoms come from the same virus. 

Looking back it seems silly considering how much I love food and the taste of food.  I clearly don't need to worry about not eating enough anymore.

I weighed myself just now 179.4.  Currently the heaviest I have ever seen on a scale before.  I don't feel that heavy.  I know that I am and I'm not even sure if I look like 180.  Either way I have naturally sat around 150 (until I decided that was too big and did a semi-anorexia thing).

So there you go my unhealthy relationship with food - and it's rather long TMI introduction.  But that's what I have and it's true.  Despite the lack that I probably should have lied/hidden most of that.

Thank you and Goodnight.

Perhaps I'll see you soon!