Hello blog.
It's been a few days. Life's been busy.
I work at an accounting firm. The tax deadline is in 10 days. Lets just say the guys are a bit overwhelmed. I answer the phones and do other admin things, so I'm busy but it's not too bad.
Anywho, since the boyfriend and I have finished our projects I don't really have anything to admit that I haven't done. So a few posts ago I am venting about roommates, and back then my frustration was presenting itself in a depressive/desperate state. I have since moved on to anger. Anger to the point where if I can't wash my dirty dishes, but the sink is filled with my plates....I want to break them. Smash them to bits. Because, well, if you think about it - for example I never use my big plates, only small plates, bowls, and plate bowls - since everyone else is borrowing my stuff and disrespecting it...perhaps I should remove that temptation from them.
If I can't trust you to respect my things then why the fuck should I let you use them? My cutting board has actually warped (from going in the dishwasher) - I'm weird and the feel of dried out wood/wet wood sends tingles up and down my body. Hell even thinking about them can do it. Unfortunately, I prefer wood, and I am willing to put up with it. I even used to spread protective oil on them (tingles galore!!) but I wanted to keep my things nice and that's the price I had to pay.
The problem is there's no good time to go into a kitchenware speech. Either demon spawn Lydia is around - all the time. Using my shit. Some people get under your skin. They borrow deep into your brain and then they reek havoc on your brain. A cocaine addicted melodramatic drunk, assaulted my roommate, threatened to kill herself, stole rent money from said roommate, tried to get between him and his family....and yet here they are still dating acting like nothing happened. Like I said earlier. Anger!
Seeing her makes my blood boil. When forced to think about her I can feel my adrenaline coursing through my veins. You wanna talk about cortisol and how it's bad for the body. The side effect of her in my life was probably 20 lbs! On the logical side she's not a horrible person but she's generally not sober long enough to not be a horrible person ( I will admit she's been better lately - but another round is coming, there's always another round ). I will also admit that I am biased. She changed who I was/am. I'd never gotten into a screaming match before her, I've never caused a fucking scene in a bar before her. I've never wanted to destroy someone until I met her.
Maybe I should fly off the handle. I've been spending all of my energy to manage my anger...and I do mean all of it. Here in lies the problem. I shouldn't leave the house yet. My boyfriend can't leave and the guys we live with (and apparently their girlfriends - who are also really good friends, its a small fucked up world I live in) are his friends. I don't want to say something I will regret. I don't want to damage his relationships and while I really want to screw them over in doing so fucks over the boyfriend. So here I am ranting to the cosmos on my Saturday morning...it's a beautiful day, it actually is which can be rare in Portland spring. Here's to another day of pushing the feelings down as deep as I can muster so that I don't explode before I leave for work.
P.S. I've lost just under 3 lbs! yay.
Saturday, April 7, 2012
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
Sphinx came back! Which is awesome until she meows literally ALL night. Now I get to actually take pictures of her. I'm gonna do it this time around. The circumstances around her departure are well confusing/a void of knowledge.
The day she left she was their when the boy and I left for work and then when we got back she was gone. The room mates on the other hand have been unemployed since then and well to be perfectly honest don't pay enough attention to pretty much anything around the house so they have no clue. Or is there something more sinister involved? Probably not. But I don't even know what to do if the cats start peeing on things again.
Our house was just beginning to not reek anymore. It took probably a box of baking soda to get it back to that point. Oy. Sphinx is a commitment, now that she's had all of her shots and been fixed it's not so bad but I'm sure she has fleas again (her medication lapsed while she was out). Which means there's a good chance we'll need to get her dewormed again. Ick. Perhaps we'll try the pill with her this time. Or just take her in for the shot.
The peeing though. oy the peeing. I suppose I should admit that doing double duty on the chores again sounds less than appealing. But the boy loves her and he was soo happy when he came back with her.
We are totally our cats. I am Squish. Quiet, reserved, runs away from loud noises and fairly socially awkward, but I do work my way into your heart. My boy and Sphinx on the other hand. In your face adorable, snuggle whores, but sometimes they just don't get it. Like Sphinx and the litter box for a while.
Man oh man I hope getting fixed helps/solves the territorial problem (peeing). The problem is I assume that both of them were marking. I don't think Squish is totally innocent in this, although I do know that I never had a problem with her (that I didn't deserve) until another cat was in the picture.
Speaking of pictures!
I finally have a picture up...yay! Okay so it's a bit blurry I didn't clean up the area and I only used my phone. I'm such a bad photog. Oddly enough I am actually pretty good with my camera... ya know when I use it. Anyways these are the planter boxes we made. I think they're awesome. If reality was the inside of my head I would have thinner edged concrete planters. But my imagination isn't exactly practical - or on a budget.
It would be pretty awesome if the boy and I went into business together. That includes a damn near impossible prefect storm of fortunate events. A girl can dream though right? Me the brains and my man the brawns. Granted without money coming in somehow I'm kind of a bitch. I don't like to stress about money. Because of this I like 9-5. Although I should really get off my butt and start going after those dreams I mentioned earlier.
Too bad 9-5 takes up so much time during the day... it'd be soo much easier to follow your dreams on the side if it didn't.
Back to the daily grind. More bitching/ranting mixed in with some optimism later.
Ciao Bellas.
The day she left she was their when the boy and I left for work and then when we got back she was gone. The room mates on the other hand have been unemployed since then and well to be perfectly honest don't pay enough attention to pretty much anything around the house so they have no clue. Or is there something more sinister involved? Probably not. But I don't even know what to do if the cats start peeing on things again.
Our house was just beginning to not reek anymore. It took probably a box of baking soda to get it back to that point. Oy. Sphinx is a commitment, now that she's had all of her shots and been fixed it's not so bad but I'm sure she has fleas again (her medication lapsed while she was out). Which means there's a good chance we'll need to get her dewormed again. Ick. Perhaps we'll try the pill with her this time. Or just take her in for the shot.
The peeing though. oy the peeing. I suppose I should admit that doing double duty on the chores again sounds less than appealing. But the boy loves her and he was soo happy when he came back with her.
We are totally our cats. I am Squish. Quiet, reserved, runs away from loud noises and fairly socially awkward, but I do work my way into your heart. My boy and Sphinx on the other hand. In your face adorable, snuggle whores, but sometimes they just don't get it. Like Sphinx and the litter box for a while.
Man oh man I hope getting fixed helps/solves the territorial problem (peeing). The problem is I assume that both of them were marking. I don't think Squish is totally innocent in this, although I do know that I never had a problem with her (that I didn't deserve) until another cat was in the picture.
Speaking of pictures!
I finally have a picture up...yay! Okay so it's a bit blurry I didn't clean up the area and I only used my phone. I'm such a bad photog. Oddly enough I am actually pretty good with my camera... ya know when I use it. Anyways these are the planter boxes we made. I think they're awesome. If reality was the inside of my head I would have thinner edged concrete planters. But my imagination isn't exactly practical - or on a budget.
It would be pretty awesome if the boy and I went into business together. That includes a damn near impossible prefect storm of fortunate events. A girl can dream though right? Me the brains and my man the brawns. Granted without money coming in somehow I'm kind of a bitch. I don't like to stress about money. Because of this I like 9-5. Although I should really get off my butt and start going after those dreams I mentioned earlier.
Too bad 9-5 takes up so much time during the day... it'd be soo much easier to follow your dreams on the side if it didn't.
Back to the daily grind. More bitching/ranting mixed in with some optimism later.
Ciao Bellas.
Monday, April 2, 2012
After my last post I wanted to pull my hair out screw over everyone in the house and pretty much yell fuck you to the world.
While I was in PMS fueled hysterics, (it happens but really only when I'm at the end of my rope), I would say I made some valid points and those deserve to be remembered. So now that the hormones have switched gears and my emotional state has equalized a bit, life is better and bit more manageable. This weekend the boy and I were actually really productive. It was kind of weird but good! I've moved my desk area into the bedroom. It may just be a vain attempt to commandeer an area of solitude but my hope is that it will keep me from going completely insane while I save "oodles" of money until we move out.
Until the day we get to move out/today there will be slight shopping binges. Today's binge...glitter and OCC lip tars. The glitter I want will be coming in a pack and will include eye safe glitter glue a brush or two and I'll be getting a few colors. I want black and either a silver that reflects rainbow colors or one that looks like crushed diamonds. I'm not sure. But then apparently there is also an online purchase giveaway which is a beige glitter, and hypothetically one of the beauty blogs I follow has a deal where if you put her name in the coupon thing you get a free glitter as well. That'd be sweet but that video was posted almost two years ago...but worth a shot!
The lip tars. I want a vibrant red (which should last a lifetime) and then there's ANIME! a neon pink and wicked awesome. The only time I think I would even wear it would be at raves. Lip tars are also supposed to last for hours (all day), super pigmentation, and not destroy your lips. Stoked! But after those two purchases I'm pretty much done with my extra spending for April. That will probably end up being near $100. I'm not proud of my obsessions but I have managed to hold myself off for months now. That's really good for me.
Not only have I managed to show some willpower I have consistently wanted these for the same amount of time. Usually I give in or I forget about it/convince myself I really don't want it after all to spend $$ on something more practical. Now I need to buy a lip brush or two. Nothing fancy...
Looks like my sewing machine dreams are going to be put on hold for a bit. Oh well. Need to contact the family. 1. becuase I am a horrible daughter/sister/friend who falls off the face of the planet for months at a time 2. because my sis may have an extra sewing machine. Option 2 would be sweet but I really do miss my family sometimes and yet I never really get around to calling. Fail.
Good news though. Cat beds - done. Planter boxes - done and apparently tasty! Washcloth into loufa (sp?) - DONE! Like I said the boy and I were really productive this weekend. This week/this weekend will be working on his 'rave' hair. It'll be a spin-off of my cyberlox, only not a ponytail and with smaller 'cyberlox' or crin.
So many project to potentially start. Pictures soon.
While I was in PMS fueled hysterics, (it happens but really only when I'm at the end of my rope), I would say I made some valid points and those deserve to be remembered. So now that the hormones have switched gears and my emotional state has equalized a bit, life is better and bit more manageable. This weekend the boy and I were actually really productive. It was kind of weird but good! I've moved my desk area into the bedroom. It may just be a vain attempt to commandeer an area of solitude but my hope is that it will keep me from going completely insane while I save "oodles" of money until we move out.
Until the day we get to move out/today there will be slight shopping binges. Today's binge...glitter and OCC lip tars. The glitter I want will be coming in a pack and will include eye safe glitter glue a brush or two and I'll be getting a few colors. I want black and either a silver that reflects rainbow colors or one that looks like crushed diamonds. I'm not sure. But then apparently there is also an online purchase giveaway which is a beige glitter, and hypothetically one of the beauty blogs I follow has a deal where if you put her name in the coupon thing you get a free glitter as well. That'd be sweet but that video was posted almost two years ago...but worth a shot!
The lip tars. I want a vibrant red (which should last a lifetime) and then there's ANIME! a neon pink and wicked awesome. The only time I think I would even wear it would be at raves. Lip tars are also supposed to last for hours (all day), super pigmentation, and not destroy your lips. Stoked! But after those two purchases I'm pretty much done with my extra spending for April. That will probably end up being near $100. I'm not proud of my obsessions but I have managed to hold myself off for months now. That's really good for me.
Not only have I managed to show some willpower I have consistently wanted these for the same amount of time. Usually I give in or I forget about it/convince myself I really don't want it after all to spend $$ on something more practical. Now I need to buy a lip brush or two. Nothing fancy...
Looks like my sewing machine dreams are going to be put on hold for a bit. Oh well. Need to contact the family. 1. becuase I am a horrible daughter/sister/friend who falls off the face of the planet for months at a time 2. because my sis may have an extra sewing machine. Option 2 would be sweet but I really do miss my family sometimes and yet I never really get around to calling. Fail.
Good news though. Cat beds - done. Planter boxes - done and apparently tasty! Washcloth into loufa (sp?) - DONE! Like I said the boy and I were really productive this weekend. This week/this weekend will be working on his 'rave' hair. It'll be a spin-off of my cyberlox, only not a ponytail and with smaller 'cyberlox' or crin.
So many project to potentially start. Pictures soon.
Its been a few days. (written on March 23rd)
Not too much has changed since a few days ago... Work is stressful (well the guys are stressed which causes tension), the boyfriend is still awesome, the cat beds are still unfinished, but the planter boxes are ready for soil and seed, and my house has officially broken me.
I've decided I can't take it anymore. And to be perfectly honest there's really nothing keeping me here except me admitting to my dad that my life does in fact suck and I'm floundering on my own. I should rephrase. My life doesn't suck, but over the past few years I have sacrificed happiness and essentially who I am to pay bills.
My credit debt is gone. I live in Portland (which means that decent living is incredibly doable as long as you restrain yourself some). Example: I used to work at a car dealership and while I was making 11.50 an hour full time and even though I was spending half of my month's income on rent, it was downtown in a decent area and an adorable apartment. I fell in love with that apartment when I first laid eyes on it. At the time I was also spending 200-400 on my debt, (usually 300). Fact is that's the kind of life I prefer. I will would give up space over quality. Unfortunately, the boy is the opposite.
One day you wake up and suddenly you can't take it anymore. There's not enough logic in the world to justify being unhappy. I'm miserable in my house. My room mates are decent people and I would like them a lot more if I didn't live with them. Let's just say I am living with my boyfriends friends.
I want to be the asshole that just picks up and leaves. Half the kitchen is mine, the nice furniture is mine. All of the furniture in one of my roommates bedroom is mine. The bed, the desk, and now the second lamp. Before I can move I do need to downsize. I like having the space we have now but honestly I just don't need all this shit.
So what drives me crazy?
Last night: drinking,loud noises, drinking, drug run, drinking, more loud noises.
This morning: I sleep next to a dubstep club. Obviously not literally but it's loud and it's always on. Pretty much if he is conscious.
There are four of us in the house. Half are unemployed. One of them just found out his employment application was rejected because his boss isn't going to pony up. His boss while a jackass and a crook is justified in my opinion. I wouldn't give him unemployment if I were him. In fact I would have fired him months ago. Back when he was skipping work to get trashed. If I were the boss I would pay my employees a decent wage and try not to fuck them over to the point where they could report me to the IRS. Yes its a fucked up situation.
I have no pity though. In fact I believe in Karma and try to live accordingly. The short story of my house is that its damn near impossible for me to relax here and up until recently (since 2 people are now unemployed) I was the only one who would do any cleaning around the house. I'm still the only one who does anything outside. I girl + 3 boys and who is the one to break out the lawnmower?? Yup, I do the dishes, vacuum, and do the yard work. Beyond that I also take care of the bills.
I need to get out of here. Oddly enough, what really made me realize how miserable I've been is the diet pills I've started taking. They made me realize just how much food I have been eating trying to fill some void in my life. Now that I'm not constantly trying to kill my pain with food I just want to kill the pain. It's a much more proactive way to go about the issue.
When you realize what you want to do with your life you realize how much all the other shit really doesn't matter. Even beyond that all this shit that doesn't matter I don't need to put up with it either. I love my boyfriend but if I need to move out before him I am willing to do that. I don't know if he realizes how desperate I'm starting to become.
I's going to start packing as soon as the weather warms up enough to take the tarps down leading up the attic. That's where all of our boxes are.
Not too much has changed since a few days ago... Work is stressful (well the guys are stressed which causes tension), the boyfriend is still awesome, the cat beds are still unfinished, but the planter boxes are ready for soil and seed, and my house has officially broken me.
I've decided I can't take it anymore. And to be perfectly honest there's really nothing keeping me here except me admitting to my dad that my life does in fact suck and I'm floundering on my own. I should rephrase. My life doesn't suck, but over the past few years I have sacrificed happiness and essentially who I am to pay bills.
My credit debt is gone. I live in Portland (which means that decent living is incredibly doable as long as you restrain yourself some). Example: I used to work at a car dealership and while I was making 11.50 an hour full time and even though I was spending half of my month's income on rent, it was downtown in a decent area and an adorable apartment. I fell in love with that apartment when I first laid eyes on it. At the time I was also spending 200-400 on my debt, (usually 300). Fact is that's the kind of life I prefer. I will would give up space over quality. Unfortunately, the boy is the opposite.
One day you wake up and suddenly you can't take it anymore. There's not enough logic in the world to justify being unhappy. I'm miserable in my house. My room mates are decent people and I would like them a lot more if I didn't live with them. Let's just say I am living with my boyfriends friends.
I want to be the asshole that just picks up and leaves. Half the kitchen is mine, the nice furniture is mine. All of the furniture in one of my roommates bedroom is mine. The bed, the desk, and now the second lamp. Before I can move I do need to downsize. I like having the space we have now but honestly I just don't need all this shit.
So what drives me crazy?
Last night: drinking,loud noises, drinking, drug run, drinking, more loud noises.
This morning: I sleep next to a dubstep club. Obviously not literally but it's loud and it's always on. Pretty much if he is conscious.
There are four of us in the house. Half are unemployed. One of them just found out his employment application was rejected because his boss isn't going to pony up. His boss while a jackass and a crook is justified in my opinion. I wouldn't give him unemployment if I were him. In fact I would have fired him months ago. Back when he was skipping work to get trashed. If I were the boss I would pay my employees a decent wage and try not to fuck them over to the point where they could report me to the IRS. Yes its a fucked up situation.
I have no pity though. In fact I believe in Karma and try to live accordingly. The short story of my house is that its damn near impossible for me to relax here and up until recently (since 2 people are now unemployed) I was the only one who would do any cleaning around the house. I'm still the only one who does anything outside. I girl + 3 boys and who is the one to break out the lawnmower?? Yup, I do the dishes, vacuum, and do the yard work. Beyond that I also take care of the bills.
I need to get out of here. Oddly enough, what really made me realize how miserable I've been is the diet pills I've started taking. They made me realize just how much food I have been eating trying to fill some void in my life. Now that I'm not constantly trying to kill my pain with food I just want to kill the pain. It's a much more proactive way to go about the issue.
When you realize what you want to do with your life you realize how much all the other shit really doesn't matter. Even beyond that all this shit that doesn't matter I don't need to put up with it either. I love my boyfriend but if I need to move out before him I am willing to do that. I don't know if he realizes how desperate I'm starting to become.
I's going to start packing as soon as the weather warms up enough to take the tarps down leading up the attic. That's where all of our boxes are.
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