Its been a few days. (written on March 23rd)

Not too much has changed since a few days ago...  Work is stressful (well the guys are stressed which causes tension), the boyfriend is still awesome, the cat beds are still unfinished, but the planter boxes are ready for soil and seed, and my house has officially broken me.

I've decided I can't take it anymore.  And to be perfectly honest there's really nothing keeping me here except me admitting to  my dad that my life does in fact suck and I'm floundering on my own.  I should rephrase.   My life doesn't suck, but over the past few years I have sacrificed happiness and essentially who I am to pay bills.

My credit debt is gone.  I live in Portland (which means that decent living is incredibly doable as long as you restrain yourself some).  Example:  I used to work at a car dealership and while I was making 11.50 an hour full time and even though I was spending half of my month's income on rent, it was downtown in a decent area and an adorable apartment.  I fell in love with that apartment when I first laid eyes on it.  At the time I was also spending 200-400 on my debt, (usually 300).  Fact is that's the kind of life I prefer.  I will would give up space over quality.  Unfortunately, the boy is the opposite.

One day you wake up and suddenly you can't take it anymore.  There's not enough logic in the world to justify being unhappy.  I'm miserable in my house.  My room mates are decent people and I would like them a lot more if I didn't live with them.  Let's just say I am living with my boyfriends friends.

I want to be the asshole that just picks up and leaves.  Half the kitchen is mine, the nice furniture is mine.  All of the furniture in one of my roommates bedroom is mine.  The bed, the desk, and now the second lamp.  Before I can move I do need to downsize.  I like having the space we have now but honestly I just don't need all this shit.

So what drives me crazy?

Last night:  drinking,loud noises, drinking, drug run, drinking,  more loud noises.

This morning: I sleep next to a dubstep club.  Obviously not literally but it's loud and it's always on.  Pretty much if he is conscious.

There are four of us in the house.  Half are unemployed.  One of them just found out his employment application was rejected because his boss isn't going to pony up.  His boss while a jackass and a crook is justified in my opinion.  I wouldn't give him unemployment if I were him.  In fact I would have fired him months ago.  Back when he was skipping work to get trashed.  If I were the boss I would pay my employees a decent wage and try not to fuck them over to the point where they could report me to the IRS. Yes its a fucked up situation.

I have no pity though.  In fact I believe in Karma and try to live accordingly.  The short story of my house is that its damn near impossible for me to relax here and up until recently (since 2 people are now unemployed) I was the only one who would do any cleaning around the house.  I'm still the only one who does anything outside.  I girl + 3 boys and who is the one to break out the lawnmower??  Yup, I do the dishes, vacuum, and do the yard work.  Beyond that I also take care of the bills.

I need to get out of here.  Oddly enough, what really made me realize how miserable I've been is the diet pills I've started taking.  They made me realize just how much food I have been eating trying to fill some void in my life.  Now that I'm not constantly trying to kill my pain with food I just want to kill the pain.  It's a much more proactive way to go about the issue.

When you realize what you want to do with your life you realize how much all the other shit really doesn't matter.  Even beyond that all this shit that doesn't matter I don't need to put up with it either.  I love my boyfriend but if I need to move out before him I am willing to do that.  I don't know if he realizes how desperate I'm starting to become.

I's going to start packing as soon as the weather warms up enough to take the tarps down leading up the attic.  That's where all of our boxes are.