I think I prefer the Matrix.

Today is one of those days that started out all right and then it just goes sour somehow.

I'm sure I'm like most people when I wonder if there is something wrong with me.  I suppose I even have legitimate reasons to be unhappy.  But at what point are those 'reasons' just logical excuses? 

My life isn't bad.  As you can tell there are things I really don't like about it, but all in all I'm in decent to good health, I have an amazing boyfriend, a good family, I live in a decent house, and I make more money than I need on a monthly basis.

Ever since college (about 4 years now) something seems off.  There just always seems to be something.  After graduation I lived with my best friend and her boyfriend (nice guy an all but they were not good for each other),  at the time I was also unemployed (8 months) and 90% of my friends moved away.  Once I was employed (underemployed) things were looking up.  I met and started dating my now best friend...until the job got worse to the point of dreading to wake up in the morning and then proceeded to bitch every night.  At this point I am in a new job.  Not much higher in terms of pay or even skill level - but there's a respect to it and even beyond that the boss treats his employees as well as he possibly can.

 Woot for triple bottom line.

And yet here I am stuck in a mind rant and I can't seem to escape it.  Something isn't enough.  Do I know what's missing? Nope.  I can guess, but once I get it then what? Then there will just be something else I want.  It's like I'm constantly searching for something.  Let's just say that etsy.com was very dangerous for my bank account for a while.

I've curbed my spending instinct - yes shopping very much comforts me, almost as much as food, but the constant nagging for needing or wanting something just always seems to be there.

I know I feel alienated but for some reason I don't want to do anything about it yet.  Like I'm waiting for my life to improve before I bring anyone else into it.  I hate being a drag on others - who wants to be that guy??  I don't so I sink into myself...assuming that if I focus on this mystery thing long enough to figure out what it is so I can fix it on my own.

Unfortunately, I know this doesn't affect just me.  I've gotten social numbers to pretty much 4-10 people in my life but they will always be there.  My boy isn't going anywhere (at least I don't know what I would do if he did), a few others are family, and the last couple are friends for life.

I didn't want this blog to be about this.  Honestly, not my intention. Must some days you just need to let out some vague anguish to anyone (or this case no one).

Tomorrow is another day and hopefully I will get something done outside of work...(still have not worked on the cat beds/planters since this weekend).  Not a surprise but in my defense it's really fucking cold outside.

That's it the world's ending!

'Til next time.

Day 4 of blogging.  Somewhat sporadically but that's okay...it's not like anyone is hanging on to my every word.

Still no word from Sphinx.

There' s a chance foul play is afoot....or she's a stray and didn't feel like sticking around any longer.  It's tough to say.  I'm honestly just hoping she's okay - and not stuck in one of our vents again.  That would be really bad - we've had the heater running constantly.

We didn't finish the cat boxes last night. No surprise there. Nor did we put on another coat on the planter boxes - ditto.

What we did end up doing was hanging out at a tattoo parlor while our friend got another one.  He's an artist and finally branded himself with one of his own.  I'm an internet fiend and have about 10 blogs/sites that I check almost daily... ugliesttattoos.com is one of the ones I check about once a week.  As an off shoot of failblog.org, they obviously showcase the worst in people's taste but lately they seem to be doing more WIN!s.  Which of course just makes me want the one I've been planning soo much more.

I have the design, I have the place, I technically have the money, all I really need to do is finalize the coloring in my head.  I have two tattoos already.  Both about  an inch and a half in diameter and fairly easy to hide.  Nope! No tramp stamp.  I have a nordic rune on my left wrist and a variation of a triskele on my hip.

All of my tattoos are personal and are blood related.  The triskele is my symbol.  If I were Prince this would be my name.  I still love it although it could use a touch up.  The rune or "Helm of Awe" is a tat I got with my sis to symbolize our heritage (on one side of the family) and then it turned we aren't 'Viking' after all.  Oh well.  We're still blood.  The next one I want is in memory of my Grandma.  She passed away in December of 2009 and life hasn't been the same since.

It's not that we talked everyday or anything.  She was essentially the only real Mother I ever knew and just an amazingly strong and caring woman to boot.  She raised 7 kids, lived through more than one bout of cancer, religious (and actually loved thy neighbor) and was always in the kitchen.

One of her best qualities was that she was who she needed to be for everyone she knew.  With me she was a hand to hold, a lingering hug at the end of the night, and now more than ever a source for inspiration.  I was spoiled growing up and I wasn't smart enough to realize just how much.

I could go through my memories (admittedly there aren't enough of them).  I don't actually remember most of my childhood.  Below 12 is pretty much a blur.  And, through later snooping, apparently not a good time in my life.  I grew up with my Dad (who I gain more respect for everyday) and my Mom was purposefully a bit of a mystery.  I knew her, I saw her growing up but who she really is I will never know.

I will say this.  I have trust and commitment issues.   As far as trust goes, I trust you easily until I have been given a reason not to (yes of course second chances are given).  But once you're done you're done, I see no point in keeping someone in my life if I can't trust them.  Needless to say I have a small group of friends.

The commitment thing.  Well I've been dating my boyfriend for almost 3 years now.  I can easily see myself growing old with him, have never thought of cheating on him, can only think of two reasons to break up (1. He cheats on me 2. I cheat on him)...and yet the thought of marriage or buying a house, or sharing banks accounts terrifies me.

Who knows.

Well this has gotten long....til next time.

Ciao Bellas!

Cat bed pictures are coming soon.  Unfortunately, that probably means next week.  I haven't gotten out to Michael's or Joann's to get one little thing I need but that I think will really make a difference.  I think we need some little round poles to soften the edges of our cat hammock boxes.  Something to reinforce the fabric from staple wear.

Although we did get a coat of paint onto our planter boxes!  They'll be a nice glossy gray which should make the cat grass pop that much more.  Stoked.  Can't wait to see them.  Although one of our cats is missing.

We have two cats.  Squish who belongs to me and is completely dependent on me is a massive fluff ball and my baby.  Our other cat, Sphinx, is my boyfriends cat and had been a stray for a few years (and produced litters and litters of kittens).  Sphinx is adorable, she has amazingly huge clear green eyes and really only makes cute little noises when she's happy or wants something.  So Sphinx and Squish are kind of opposites so it's hard to decide who to love more.  Squish minds her business and rarely wants to hang out.  But honestly I've never really had an issue with her (unless she was punishing me for leaving her).  Sphinx on the other hand wants attention all the time (looking up at you with those giant eyes), she'll sit on your lap for hours...BUT... she seems to still be peeing on the carpet.  Or Squish was doing it because she's mad about Sphinx.

So yes, Sphinx is missing again.  Admittedly, she does this every once in a while.  She'll just disappear for a few days at a time.  Thank god we got her fixed not too long ago.  According to the doc she was slut.   It's been about three days and she's usually back by now wanting food.

I guess that's what's going on with me...oh yah!

So I live in Portland, OR.  Bikes rule the streets.   Let's just say that bikers hate cars and cars hate bikers.  Unfortunately, there are just as many shitty bicyclists as there are shitty drivers.  Anyways, I'm getting back into riding my back (the whole weight thing and it would be nice to make my own hours).  Normally the boy and I carpool so there's a coordination every night.  Back to the point, since winter seems to be about to break and I was working on a Sat, I rode my bike in and totally ate shit.

Damn you slick roads!  Did a full on tuck and roll.  Have a few bruises but honestly the only thing hurt here was my pride.  I'm just glad there weren't any cars around to 'secretly' celebrate my pain.  However, the runner I more than likely would have not have hit at all helped me back up and was real nice about it.  Should bring my bike into the shop though, my front brakes seem to have a rough spot on them.  Sucky.

So yah my first day back and I eat pavement.  I actually found a fleck of road reflective paint on my forehead when I got to work.  Oh yah, I was hoping for some good luck this spring.  However, after yesterday, and breaking two mirrors in the process. I think I'd better watch my back instead.

I suppose that's it for now.  My life's not that exciting but stuff does happen occasionally I guess.

Ciao Bellas!

P.S. I wasn't wearing any green when this happened and I suppose I'm Scottish after all.

Okay...so much for accountability.  I did nothing yesterday, pigged out a bit no exercise, I did do some sewing though!  2 points for hippy goal.

Oh right speaking of goals.  I totally forgot to mention some big ones. Obviously weight is the biggest one for me right now, then being sustainable, doing something for myself....but the other ones.

Photography!  Sure anyone and their mother can now be a photog but I honestly love images.  Admittedly I know nothing technically speaking but I have an eye.  While I have little motivation up til this point. That can change...I know it can it has to.  It's time to live!  The second half of photography is photoshop/illustrator and then there are all the other adobe programs I have yet to learn.

As with most things in my life. I just don't know where to begin.  Beginning is hard to me.  Sometimes following through is also very hard for me.  But the winter time blues seem to be fading and with the promise of more and more sunshine I am optimistic.  A born and raised Californian living in Portland.  Sometimes it's tough...depressingly tough.

Here and now I vow to get a tanning package next year!  I'm white. I have no delusions of wanting to be actually tan, I just don't want to be pasty and devoid of vitamin D.  It's too tough mentally. I don't like it.

I did have an epiphany this morning.  I want to be thin!  I always want to be thin, I'm flubby and I pretty much always have been.  But this morning I've decided to really and go for it.  Nope. No running happened this morning (probably won't happen tonight either).  I have enlisted help from a little purple pill.  Honestly, I told myself I would never go down that road again - yep I went there and I was pretty small.  For example, only a few years ago I was 135 (my lowest and it was very unhealthy, the means, possibly not the ends) and currently I am at 177.6, from this morning.  I have gained 40 lbs.  That's ridiculous.

Back to the epiphany...I want it and I want it bad.  I'm too lazy to go full crazy, and paranoid to go full crazy about it.  But I am trying OEP - if someone out there stumbles across this and wants to know you can google it.  I am not an ad and honestly I'm a bit sad that I've gotten this desperate but it may be just what I need to get me going.  so I guess I have done something.  Not a great something but something.  I have a deadline and quite frankly it's time.

Beyond that, my boyfriend and I will be working on our projects tonight.  Once they are finished I promise to put up pictures.  Oh yah! I want to use here as a way of showing off my handy work - a display case if you will.  Look for cat grass planter boxes + cat beds in the near future.  They should be pretty sweet...

Ciao Bellas!

P.S. Despite so far, I would like to keep the weight obsession to a minimum here.  My outside, while admittedly very important to me, is not all that I am nor all that I want it to be.

Hello!

So this is day one.  Funny, it feels like any other day. 

I suppose I should begin with who I am or what I want to talk about or even what I hope this blog will help me accomplish.  I'll go with door number 3.

Lately, I've been realizing that I need to do things while I am still young.  Yes, I consider 26 to be young....mainly because I don't feel like or want to grow up just yet.  I have spent my entire youth trying to live up to the expectations that I believed were from everyone around me.  I should explain: I went to catholic school for 14 years and I majored in Psychology in college.

There's plenty of time for me to explain or justify my thoughts to anyone who happens upon here, but not right now.  Back to what I want.  I want to change my life and I need to hold myself accountable somehow.  This will be my accountability tool.  I realize the hypocrisy of that considering I'm keeping myself anonymous at least for now.

Time to focus:

1. This will be the year I finally lose the weight I've been lugging around forever.  I'm tired of it and it's destroying my self-esteem.  I grew up chubby then lost it and have gained it back + a lot. 

According to my scale (which is apparently a few lbs nicer than reality) says I am 176.  Oy!  The last time I checked my measurements I was 

                         Neck: 13 in

                         Waist: 33 in

                         Hips: 41 in.

There's my dirty little secret.  Overall I just want to be in good shape - look good in jeans and a tank top.  But in the near future my barely achievable goal is 20lbs by the end of May (today is March 14).

Technically it's feasible but it will be damn hard. I know that and realistically if I managed to lose 15 I would be fucking ecstatic.  I dream big but expect "lettuce" (for another time).

No. 2.  I'm a fledgling 'hippy.'  Shhh. Don't tell anyone. As far as categorizing goes I would consider myself half-way in the hippy box.  Let's just say that my views can be radical, stereotypical, and conflicting so that will be saved for another day. My inner-hippy wants to make things.  I want to grow my own food, raise chickens, make clothes, ride my bike everywhere, eat organic, do all that jazz.  

I should mention that even though a part of me wants to be completely granola....I love my stuff too!  

3. I want to dance.  I can (sort of) I have rhythm an' all but I never practice.  I've been taking bellydance lessons off an on over the past few years and really want to get into Poi.  So I need to be held accountable for not doing that too.

There's a lot to do...I can do it assuming I get up off my ass...oh yah! I'm also ridiculously lazy to boot.

Here's to a new life!