I think I prefer the Matrix.

Today is one of those days that started out all right and then it just goes sour somehow.

I'm sure I'm like most people when I wonder if there is something wrong with me.  I suppose I even have legitimate reasons to be unhappy.  But at what point are those 'reasons' just logical excuses? 

My life isn't bad.  As you can tell there are things I really don't like about it, but all in all I'm in decent to good health, I have an amazing boyfriend, a good family, I live in a decent house, and I make more money than I need on a monthly basis.

Ever since college (about 4 years now) something seems off.  There just always seems to be something.  After graduation I lived with my best friend and her boyfriend (nice guy an all but they were not good for each other),  at the time I was also unemployed (8 months) and 90% of my friends moved away.  Once I was employed (underemployed) things were looking up.  I met and started dating my now best friend...until the job got worse to the point of dreading to wake up in the morning and then proceeded to bitch every night.  At this point I am in a new job.  Not much higher in terms of pay or even skill level - but there's a respect to it and even beyond that the boss treats his employees as well as he possibly can.

 Woot for triple bottom line.

And yet here I am stuck in a mind rant and I can't seem to escape it.  Something isn't enough.  Do I know what's missing? Nope.  I can guess, but once I get it then what? Then there will just be something else I want.  It's like I'm constantly searching for something.  Let's just say that etsy.com was very dangerous for my bank account for a while.

I've curbed my spending instinct - yes shopping very much comforts me, almost as much as food, but the constant nagging for needing or wanting something just always seems to be there.

I know I feel alienated but for some reason I don't want to do anything about it yet.  Like I'm waiting for my life to improve before I bring anyone else into it.  I hate being a drag on others - who wants to be that guy??  I don't so I sink into myself...assuming that if I focus on this mystery thing long enough to figure out what it is so I can fix it on my own.

Unfortunately, I know this doesn't affect just me.  I've gotten social numbers to pretty much 4-10 people in my life but they will always be there.  My boy isn't going anywhere (at least I don't know what I would do if he did), a few others are family, and the last couple are friends for life.

I didn't want this blog to be about this.  Honestly, not my intention. Must some days you just need to let out some vague anguish to anyone (or this case no one).

Tomorrow is another day and hopefully I will get something done outside of work...(still have not worked on the cat beds/planters since this weekend).  Not a surprise but in my defense it's really fucking cold outside.

That's it the world's ending!

'Til next time.