Blog time again… it’s only been about a month.

Oddly enough big changes have been happening.

•       Bought that sewing machine I’ve been talking about for years
•       Started my class (and almost done with. Sad face.)
•       Continued bellydance classes (twice a week – if I remember to go)
•       Got my Adobe programs back
•       Got on instragram had started posting pictures and have since stopped.
•       Apartment is settled in although we may be rearranging soon since I use my desk for 3 separate things (filing ‘cabinet’, computer station, sewing table, and drawing board).  And it’s way too crowded for each. W’s ‘desk’ is a second coffee table which serves as a holding ground for all his crap.  I’m no innocent but we need more shelving.  Perhaps this next paycheck!

·         W’s going to come to Thanksgiving and meet the whole family this year…

·         Times are kinda tough.  I’m going to complain but I probably shouldn’t.

So let’s say life got a little bit busy.  Ever have insightful thought process while peeing?

Today’s (not a  daily occurrence) but I was thinking about wealth disparity and how much money would keep me ‘happy.’  I’d decided that earning enough to save as much as I make should cover it.  Since I earn about 1700 (take away and give or take) then roughly 3400 a month would be great.  My savings account would be ridiculous. I could afford anything I need.  My life would be completely different.  How to make that much is going to be difficult. 

Then the thoughts started going towards how to make that and if I stayed where I am now then how to I moonlight to bring in extra income?  I could eventually make clothes, perhaps grow food – when there’s legitimate property involved, sell my design skills, perhaps sell some prints. Who knows.  Perhaps it’s time to open an etsy shop.  Could SquishD actually become a reality?

I’m going to need a lot of caffeine.  And a separate bank account.  From the advice I’ve been giving separating business money and personal with different accounts is the easiest and best way to go.  The tricky part comes in with taxes and things.  I apparently owe $$ every year due to investments that are managed on my behalf, so since this would begin as a Sch C that would be a new form to fill out.  But at what point do you begin to have to claim your outside income as a business?

Should talk to one of the guys I work with about this again.  I of course have plenty of time to think about and do or never get around to doing any of this.  I should start with etsy and photo prints. Shit maybe someone will like some of them.  I’ve only got thousands of prints – not all of them great but definitely some kick ass ones.

Hi Blog,

Can  I explain why I haven’t called?

Honestly…. I just didn’t quite get around to it.

W and I have been productive lately though.  This past weekend, we did yet another goodwill trip and yet another IKEA and Costco run.  I love! Costco but every other week…it seems like a lot.  After finally getting rid of some extra furniture and getting some more shelving for the storage unit, the apartment is livable again.  This has been a really long process. Longer than I wanted it to go that’s for damn sure.

But when money is kinda tight you can’t go out and buy everything at once…not that we would have really known what to really get.  It’s amazing to be able to walk around freely in the living room and now when we need to vacuum it won’t involve furniture we’re STILL planning on getting rid of.

It may be sad but I think my favorite productiveness of this weekend is the second set of shelves in our storage unit.  It’s ALL camping gear.  And if we need to pack in an hour again… clear the shelves and we’re packed.  It’s awesome.  I may be a little too proud of that one.

The second fish tank is almost fully operational again (our awkward 15 vertical tank) . Complete with 1 fish, rocks, plants, background, and assassin snail for when we get an infestation.  We’re just planning on it from now on.  We got another snail problem in the little 4 gallon tank.  W’s really getting into his tanks.  I’m glad he has a hobby, even if it is expensive although if it were me I’d rather get my big projects done instead of starting/maintaining new littler ones.

But hey I’ve been realizing I have control issues I need to deal with. And I should never miss another massage. 

Any other updates to my life? 

1.       Endomondo.com – first App I have ever paid for!  It was on sale for $1 (vs. 4) and would have been worth every penny of the bigger price.  I ride my bike to work every day.  This tracks how long, elevation, speed, and roughly how many calories I should have burned.  It’s pretty freakin’ sweet.  It also has challenges that you can join – fitness related of course and it tracks it all for you.  Love it.

2.       Adobe… - it may soon be mine.  God I hope so. I’m itching to start projects (I even started legitimately setting up my computer yesterday.  Need that final shelf above my desk for decorative things, like my Dad’s picture.

3.       Started going to the gym – only once a week so far. But hey it’s a start!

4.       Doing the low carb thing again.  Every year I promise myself to lose weight for my birthday.  I’ve got a month, hopefully – for the love of God I will at least begin losing weight this year.  I think I’m finally old enough to just do the grown up thing and say no to the things I don’t need and save up for the things I need.

5.       W got me totally addicted to Dynasty Warriors (although I suppose I’m a bit burnt out at the moment).

6.       I’ve been asking myself over and over again, why is it so hard? And what is wrong with people?  Honestly now, I just signed a EWG petition against the current draft of the US farm bill.  Why because apparently (yes I signed before doing my research – sue me). The government is siding with big Ag and against real food.  Food shouldn’t be something you have to know chemistry for.  As lazy as I am I still cook at least once a day.  Okay kinda all three meals.  A breakfast I make in my sleep (with hopefully sustainable chicken eggs – which I pay more for), I compile my yogurt parfait & lemon drink (also partially asleep), and more often than not I cook dinner for W and me.  He makes the meat on the grill and I make a bunch of veggies and rice/pasta/quinoa on the side.  What eats up my time is dishes.  I hate doing dishes.  I do them all day long – ridiculous!

I know cooking can be a drag.  I do it every day.  But what’s 10 here and 15 min there.  Unless you eat while driving – not Ideal – and there’s no one in the drive through.  You really don’t save that much time.  Not to mention I feel like making a box of rice a roni (which is such a guilty pleasure for me) takes just as much time as any other pasta dish (with veggies) I would make.

Food should be real and it shouldn’t be so DAMN COMPLICATED!

7.       I got into instagram for a bit there.  Have since slacked off.

Yup I think that’s about it for me.  Now back to organization projects.

*My Instagram photo for the day - not from today but still....

Ciao!

Ya for blogging! and for Black Raspberries. They are in fact delicious.


Is it bad form to take you lunch break an hour before you are scheduled to leave?  Personally if I could always make it until 3:30-4 pm before being starving I would probably do it everyday.  I'm one of those people who would rather take a late lunch (when you get back you're that much closer to the end of the day).  This is a fairly extreme example but still stands true....


...My yogurt "parfait" or concoction if you will is more like a cold fruity soup than it normally is.  It kind of weirds me out actually.


Oh yah!  This weekend I had such an 'that figures...' moment it was sad.  Since W and I moved in to our apartment there has been rampant mint growing outside the door.  I finally got around to pulling the damn stuff up but I'm too poor to buy pots to claim the space for my garden.  (I hope you see where this is going.) Yup!  I woke up Saturday morning to a giant BBQ in all of the space I had just cleaned out.  I hate people sometimes.  I think it belongs to the person who just moved in with (I'm assuming) the crazy lady neighbor we don't like.  All assumptions here.  Bad, I know.  But still I do the work, didn't even think I needed to claim space and I apparently lost it.


Oh well.  I'll work around it but if they don't pull it out when they use it (literally next to our window) then I will tell on them.  So bummed, mad, and some other description.  Totally ruined my morning.  My garden space is now taken over by a fat-assed BBQ.  I hope it rusts now that it's living outside.


Sorry, I'm still just bitter.I suppose that's how life goes though.  Claim that shit!


On another note. Disc golf. Fun but I doubt I will be as into it as W.  He's been trying to get me to go out and throw for months now.  I've never really had anything against it, I just like to have girl time/alone time.  I miss alone time.  W and I leave the house at the same time and we get home around the same time.  When we get home I start cooking - a preference I should ease up on (since then I do most of the cooking and I've always washed just about all of the dishes).  I'm just trying to avoid processed foods as much as possible.  All of his food/what he prepares is all boxed, canned, frozen or microwavable.  Admittedly, we don't have a microwave.  No where to put it - works for me!  Sometimes it would be nice though.


Less convenience!  Life should be harder.  Not a lot harder but mankind has given itself obesity, diabetes, lost its work ethic, and ruined the planet pretty much all in the name of convenience.  From the foods we eat, the cars we drive, and the products we use - all of it is produced and marketed for convenience.  Anything disposable, quick food, pre-packaged food, single servings, escalators, computers, tv, modern appliances, everything in life.

It's not the world we live in though.  We've come accustomed to and depend on all of that convenience.  Our   working schedules have gotten longer too exhausted for real food prep.  Our health has deteriorated too heavy/malnourished to be self-sufficient.  Our technology is smarter than we are.  Mainstream society is going down and we're too distracted by little glowing screens (yes I am counting down the days until I can get an iPhone...) to notice or care.

How do you create a balance between the 'amish' life and today's life?  I like to idealize the 50's. I'm sure most americans do.  Why the 50's?  Because there was progress, a middle class, only one parent needed to work (generally speaking), and lets say there was at least an attempt to hide the dark side of humanity.

There was an expectation of courtesy or at least being polite to your neighbors, (as bitter as I am about the BBQ I can't blame them, logically speaking).  This entry has veered off in a pessimistic direction.  Best to end here before I focus on the ills of mankind again.  It's depressing, I don't like it.

For now,
Ciao bella

http://inhabitat.com/singapore’s-spectacular-solar-supertrees-open-this-month-at-the-gardens-by-the-bay/supertrees-8/

Since I couldn’t figure out how to separate the picture from the site (in 20 seconds or less).  Here is the link of the reality of someone’s daydream.

It’s like being in Avatar…well kind of.  It’s the thought that counts.  Either way, I think society is getting to a point where we can transform our environment to be just about anything we want.  Sure the supertrees are obviously fake but they feature vertical gardens, use solar power to light themselves at night.  This is what cities around the world could be like.

Inhabitat.com is another dangerous website because there are soo many cool things, that are one WAY expensive and two not always possible to build, own, etc.  Again, it just goes to show that man’s imagination and creativity are actually capable of.  What if the world were, from here on out, built with design, planet, and functionality in mind.  Sustainable materials where possible, off grid (solar power) and environmentally minded (also serve as a water filtration system).  With all of our technology its fucking retarded that more projects like this aren’t cropping up EVERYWHERE!

Apologies for the expletives…but c’mon people!  It doesn’t take a genius to realize we are all fucking screwed.  Well maybe this generation will be okay but our kids (assuming I wind up having one or two), totally drew the short straw.  The other night I finally got around to weeding and clearing out some of the mint that’s taken over.  I filled a very large garbage bag (plastic I know…no one’s perfect) of the stuff and then proceeded to throw it away (no green bin at the apartment and no room for compost – I asked W. He said no).  Now that my guilt is written on the page… he asked me why I was doing this to which I responded now is the time to learn.

I’m fairly convinced that my underlying personality is a doomsday-ist (Well aware that’s not the term but I couldn’t think of it in 20 seconds or less).  I don’t think the world is going to end in one fail swoop. I don’t even think I will witness anything really traumatic in my lifetime. Which I know is good because I’d probably be the first to go, but I would be soo interesting and all of the little shit in life can just go away. 

Back to doomsday! Just because it’s more interesting.  I want to learn how to garden because as the population grows, real food is scarce, gas prices explode, and shit generally gets too god damned expensive to buy I want to have a backup plan.  The hiccup in my backup plan…water.  Experts of some kind, somewhere,  are predicting that the growing lands are going to start migrating North.  So instead of middle California being optimal Oregon will be produce nirvana.  No idea if that’s true or not but if there’s a chance I think I would like to stay in Portland – perhaps when W and I can move outside the city limits and get some land, ideally.  Not too far out. I want to shop!

Having land but no water could kill my plan unless we create a really efficient way to capture rain water.  The rain pattern has already begun to shift in PDX, instead of our gray 9 month drizzle we are getting legitimate rain storms interspersed with sun.  Real sun.  It was kind of weird this winter, awesome but weird.  Admittedly since I have come to Portland (Fall 2004) it seems like every year has been ‘weird’ so who knows what to really expect of the weather.  It’s just time to begin working on a backup plan.  I’m working towards it.  Training my possible black thumb to be a green thumb, getting used to cooking nightly (and someday using that bread maker W brought home one day), sewing.  Sewing is a big one for me.  I don’t know what the state of the world will be until I’m dead but it’s a good skill to pass on if I can and potentially save myself some money along the way.

***Just found out one of my coworkers was laid off today – there were four of us…now only 3***

Just goes to show how quickly life changes.

...just because I love infographs! (perhaps another post later, or not I've got other chores to do tonight)

Yay for blogging time.

I wrote out this long winded something or other yesterday but never got to finish or post it.  Quite sad.

Oh yes, it was my goals for the evening.  I did some of them actually.  I got my bike - I have brakes now!  Yay.  Food was prepared and since consumed. Yummy.  I did actually set up my desk to the best of my abilities (I need a power strip to set up speakers and external hard drive)
And the last pair of items were to reassemble vacuum and clean up enough clutter to use it.

Those last two almost happened.  The vacuum is nearly together but a few integral pieces were not ready to be used - moisture in the tube mainly.  From there well D came over which basically means food, peggle, and then munchie food. Those ice creams didn’t stand a chance.  But after D left furniture was rearranged and slightly organized.  It’s time to do laundry again.  Both daily wear laundry and blankets.  The blankets I’ve been putting off.  Blek.  It seems like I’ve been doing 2x the laundry I was doing when we lived at the house.  

Someday soon I will be doing less laundry, the apt. will be put together, the walls will be decorated and then I will be able to move onto spending my money on actually living life.  Although, I have to admit I am spending some money on life tomorrow. Wednesdays are belly dance night!  I’m going to finally pick it up again.  And the price has not come down but has become less upfront at each interval.  Instead of 60 for 6 classes they’re asking for 40 for 4.  That works for me! I wasn’t going to be able to afford 60 (not that I can really afford 40 for that matter).  I’ll find a way.  Looks like it’s rice for dinner until July!

So yah between bellydance on Weds (and hopefully practice through the week), yoga in the mornings, and the gym a couple of times a week I will be sitting pretty soon.   Now all I have to do is figure out where I can pick up some extra energy....yay coffee!!

It looks like life is about to start actually taking off.  I do need to find a way to get some fliers made for W.  I lost all of my art programs on my computer (and as I found out...I am now apparently out of ink in my printer - phooey).

*Please note that I do like to take some liberties with the english language, especially in spelling*

As soon as I figure out how to link up my instagram account with my blog I will be posting more random pics.  I should try to take one pic a day - a challenge my sister is also doing.  Just to keep photography in the forefront.  I miss creativity so hard.  It’s like I’ve lost my best friend.  Yay for reunions!

Cheers folks...”For actually doing something about it”

Ciao bella!

Minimalism Wardrobe

Minimalism Wardrobe by squishd 

**There used to be every piece listed here: brand and price.  I took that down because for example, I will never buy a $300 pair of jeans and two these items are just a guideline.**

Goals for this weekend:

• Clear off desk - set up computer
• Start weeding by back door
• Go to gym/hour long yoga
• Get bike to shop

So I did one out of four...any idea which one? How about the one with the least amount of physical effort.  Yup! Took the bike to the shop - admittedly, that really needed to happen and weekend was preferable over mid week.

Beyond that I may not have gotten my computer set up (currently wrapped up in my comforter like a burrito lounging on my bed - it's pretty sweet), but W and I did get through just about all of the boxes in the storage unit, sorted and then kept, threw out or donated everything.  There was a legit car load we took to the dump and another car load we took to Goodwill.  So on that front we actually did really well.  There are still a few more things that need to go (I've got some clothes to give away - which I have foolishly been hanging onto) and then there's the chair and some other random things we'll probably just say 'fuck it' to.

All in all it was a fairly productive weekend.  We got a lot done and we were actually social. Crazy.  One of my college friends was in town this weekend so we hung out a bit.  I wish we weren't so broke.  It would really make going out more pleasurable.

Speaking of spending money! I am now officially an adult.  I bought expensive flip flops.  Normally, I buy the 2-5 dollar Target, Old Navy, Freddie's sandals but today I'm turning over a new leaf (not entirely by choice).  I needed new flops and I've had my eye on a pair at Freddie's, nicer than my normal cheap ones at roughly $8.  So W and I go in so we can each get a new pair of sandals...and of course the ones I want are out of my size.  Figures.  The ones I had my eye on?  A pair of Teva knock-offs, they're the strappy ones instead of just the single strap between the toes.  I've wanted a pair for a few years now.  But why buy one pair of sandals when you can get 10-15 for the same price??

Because they're awesome that why!  I bought myself a pair of Teva's and I feel like I've really moved up a notch in life. Ya know, like it's time to appreciate having quality over quantity.  I justify it in my head by telling myself that I only have one pair (true) and I really only need one pair - aiming towards my goal of a minimalist wardrobe.  Quality over quantity.

I still love my Costco tank tops and I will definitely still shop at Forever21 but hopefully not as much.  I'm 26 moving in on 27, it's time to step it up to at least H&M.  Although, someday I want to move away from shopping at stores (mostly) and make more stuff myself (and probably shop on etsy more).  Etsy seems to have more my style.  Unfortunately, as mentioned before my style on Etsy, Freakin' expensive!  $40 for  a shirt $100 for a sweatshirt.  Ridiculous!  What I want though are good basics made out of nice fabrics, like sustainable cotton or bamboo.  Ya know, the good stuff!

I can't afford a wardrobe of bought items but with practice and creativity I'm sure I could make some things.  If nothing else I want some skirts and a couple of shrugs.  Learning how to make those would be more than worth it money wise.

Well...back to the routine of the work week...and I get my bike back tomorrow!  Way excited, I'll have brakes again.

Ciao Bella!

Yellow.

Yellow. by squishd featuring a black mini skirt

Rosemunde lace top
€59 - maryandpaul.com

Dorothy Perkins yellow top
$29 - dorothyperkins.com

Falke knit socks
$29 - bloomingdales.com

Black mini skirt
$38 - amazon.com

See by Chloé high heel sandals
£265 - johnlewis.com

Proenza schouler bag
$1,325 - openingceremony.us

Flower brooch
£2.40 - debenhams.com

Looky Looky!

Looky Looky! by squishd featuring tan knee high boots

I've discovered a horrible tool of mass time destruction!  (Sorry about that one, I had to)  

The above is from a wonderfully dangerous site called polyvore.com. It's a collage site that I will be using to make outfits that I can only dream of wearing.  I unfortunately like clothes that fit skinny people.  It's a bummer.  Perhaps this will be the motivation I ultimately need to actually get something I want.  I've gotten it once before and I can do it again damn it!  Too bad I was heading into my physical prime instead of sliding away from it.

Phooey!  Time is now bitches.  I bike to work, about to go to the gym again (yay buddies for accountability), I will join belly dance again as soon as I have cash! and I'm transitioning into doing yoga everyday.  I can do this...

Confession time: I found a new yogurt that is heaven on a spoon.  Greek Honey Yogurt or Honey Greek Yogurt...you get the point.  It is so ridiculously good, I kind of don't even want it in the fridge.  It is dangerous.

**awkward cut-off ending**

Ciao Bellas!

More randomness...yay!

It's lunchtime and while I don't have anything in particular to say it felt like a good time to say something.  According to the weather it's supposed to rain off an on until Saturday.  Looks like an indoor week to me!  W was pretty excited about it last night/this morning because that means he can just hang out at home and not feel like he should be going out and doing something.  I don't have this problem he speaks of; I'm a born and raised home-body who has little to no money until next month (until I get paid back anyways).

So to report my progress from yesterday.

• Gym - nope.
• Yoga this morning - nope
• Watching less tv - yes and no
• Go to bed early - nope!

0 for 4...On the other hand we were social last night.  50 cent wings and good beer, yes please!  So basically I drank too much and ate too much, passed out on the couch, and couldn't wake up in time to do the morning routine I want.  Oops.

I have however decided that I need to do my daily yoga when I get home today - hopefully I'll do it.  Tonight is laundry night (fun.) and then more arranging and sorting through stuff.  W and I are super exciting...although after the drama we used to live in boring is really nice (at least for now).

Here's a blogging topic: daily routine/(my ideal routine)

Mornings:

• Wake up 7:05ish (6:30)
• (yoga before breakfast)
• Make breakfast 2 eggs with greens mix and some cheese (I cook my eggs with coconut oil)
• Read emails
• Start prepping lemon drink and lunch (done the night before)
• Lemon Drink:
• 1 tbsp-ish raw lemon juice* (**)
• 1 tbsp-ish blackberry honey
• 1 tbsp-ish chia seeds

* I juice organic lemons usually 3-5 lemons at a time, run the juice through a coffee filter and then freeze until next use

** tbsp-ish = the size of whatever regular spoon I am using.

• Lunch (currently):
• 1.5 cups (I think) Nancy's Honey Yogurt - love this tuff!
• 1 cup frozen berry's - right now I'm using a blend from whole foods
• 1 tbsp-ish Blackberry honey - again, in love
• 1 tbsp-ish chia seeds
• Shower by 7:30 (do the night before)
• Get dressed and eventually ride bike to work (a whopping 2.5 miles downhill)
• Work til roughly 5-5:30.  Snacking on cookies through most of the day - it can get kind of boring sometimes and Joe Joe's are just SO hard to say no to.
• Ride home
• Make Dinner 
• Watch TV
• Sleep (usually dragging my butt to bed around 11-11:30)

Mornings are fairly productive.  Between prep work, doing dishes (a lot of times I let dishes soak overnight - they're a lot easier to clean that way), and making sure W is up.  Sometimes he lags so I watch the clock for him (despite his protests).  Evenings on the other hand....make food veg in front of tv/comp. Clean up kitchen, sometimes. Go to bed.  I should start prepping at night.  Mornings would be so much easier that way.  And when I wake up late (like today) it's no biggie.

I think my main hurdle between my current and ideal morning is going to be during yoga before breakfast.  I break fast as soon as I wake up (normally).  The above statement is based on me doing everything else the night before.  That way I can ultimately get my 1/2 hr of yoga in every morning.  Lord knows I will not be waking up any earlier than my goal of 6:30.  Not that I have been up anywhere near 6:30 in the last 6 months, but that's when my alarm goes off (until it goes off again at 35, 40, and 45).

So that's my routine.  It's pretty basic, could use some sprucing up and quite frankly is boring as hell but it helps keep me from going out and spending too much money. I need to build up my savings account again - since I spent ALL of it moving into the apartment.

Back to work.  Lunch break is now over.

Ciao Bella!

I find it amazing how much I tell myself I am going to do.  I'm going to do this...then that...and eventually I'll do all these others things I've told myself I'll do.


Here's another one.  I want to give up/cut WAY back on my tv/computer time.  Obviously, I can't get rid of my working computer time but when I'm at home there have to be better ways of spending my time instead of plopped on the couch randomly checking Facebook.  Yup,  I am a compulsive Facebook checker, it's only very rarely that I ever post anything myself (I'm that guy).


I will say very proudly that I did at least get up and do my 10 min of yoga this morning.  I promised myself 10 mins.  I did and will eventually be moving from 10 to 20 and someday up to 30 min each morning.  I miss morning workouts - as much as I hated being forced to have them in college.  Thanks coach!


Once I get my area of the nook set up - computer, speakers, chair, etc.  Then I can really start my new nightly ritual.  Which should be WAY less mindless glowing screen time and way more doing... well anything.


Currently on my to do list:

• Wings with K and the guys
• Cleaning/getting apartment set up
• Get the 40 pictures off camera and onto computer - photog fail.  Only 40 pics over 4 days spent on a gorgeous ranch in eastern Oregon.
• Weeding just outside our window - the mint is getting ridiculous!
• Find myself again.  

So that last one is an over arching one but I found myself just being number two to W again.  It's not his fault, he doesn't do it on purpose.  It's more just that he gets excited and well he really does  just need more space than I do.  For one thing all of his furniture is bigger than mine.  Ya know come to think of it I just gave away almost all of my furniture so I shouldn't feel so guilty about asking him to give up some of his.  I do feel guilty though.  It doesn't help that we have very different tastes, we can come to some cool compromises or develop sweet ideas together...but, let us both loose in a store and we'll both pick out so many things that the other hates.  I am looking forward to setting up my own area.  It can be just how I like it.  My colors, my aesthetic.  Yay!

So much to donate to Goodwill.  Between a 2 tables, possibly a recliner, a pompozon (sp?), random goods, posters, perhaps some clothes....Even beyond that we'll be getting rid of a lot of stuff as well.  At this point it's all pretty much W's so I can't really go through it on my own.

This feeling of losing myself is one I just can't seem to shake.  I love W and I know he loves me, he's just a bigger personality than I am and while I am naturally drawn to the supportive role I sometimes feel run over by the weight of his dreams.  He has a lot of them and plenty of them really don't go anywhere, which can be frustrating.  Problem is my dreams don't ever really make it out of the planning stages because of me.

It's like I'm forced to focus on the reality of dreams.  I happen to be surrounded by dreamers...both at work and at home.  Which has ultimately turned me into a pessimist, I'm not sure when and I'm not sure how, but apparently this is the end result.  Or perhaps my lack of dreaming is due to already living one and then being so rudely awoken by reality.

Ever get the feeling you are not who or where you are supposed to be?  Maybe Portland isn't me, maybe I'm not supposed to have a desk job....I don't know anymore.   I just wish I would actually get around to letting myself be happy.  Maybe someday I'll stop punishing myself and just let myself be free and happy.

Was that rambling session random enough?  Who knows, maybe one of these days I'll actually get around to picking a topic for a post.  Weird.

Ciao Bella!

Hello! One or two people... maybe.

About that accountability I was talking about last time.  Yeah....the shit has hit the fan!  Well for the old place.  Let's just say that karma is a bitch which is precisely why I try to stay on her good side. I wouldn't consider myself religious (brought up with Catholic guilt for sure!) but if there was one idea/theology/religion I can get behind, it's karma.  The golden rule, get what you give, you scratch my back I'll scratch yours.

I don't need an ultimate figure to pray to or a God to idolize.  All I want is people to be good to each other.  If only life was fair and the ultimately the shit you throw at someone else hits comes back at you like a boomerang.  Can you imagine a world where people realize their actions have consequences - big, small, whatever?  How much more considerate would people be to each other.  If I ruled the world... I would make Karma law (if that were even remotely possible).

I really do need to look into Karma, study the history and theology of it.

This year I have realized just how important the company you keep is.  Between the guys at work, the friends I hang out with and the people who live with you.  They all change who you are in the present and help determine who you will become.  Choose them wisely!  I've been surrounded by soo much drama over the past few years that I've forgotten what it feels like to not be stressed,  to just enjoy life, and I'm not even there yet.  Even though I've quit the soul killing job and left the house that drove my insane I'm still wound up.  There's an underlying stress that I can't control or really affect.  Someday it will eventually go away but that's months/years away.  Some of it is money related the other half is being forced to depend on someone I can't trust.  Vague enough for ya?  

Til then all I can do is build the future I want and rekindle the good relationships I have been avoiding.  Personally I don't like to talk to old friends when all I have to talk about is how much I hate my life or rant about the ridiculousness of the drama I couldn't escape.  Life is just so much better when you take a moment to look at your life and actually begin to take care of yourself.  

**From here on out 'my boy' will now be known as "W."  Two words is too long when referencing my boyfriend and best friend.  Since I have and will be referencing him a lot**

Over the past year I keep asking myself who I want to be.  I still don't know.  I want to be self-reliant, be a homemaker (if children are somehow involved).  Close(r) to the earth and more conscious of how I affect the big picture.  "Bag It" is a good documentary - I think I mentioned it before, but just the vast amount of crap we all go through is mind-bloggling and I can't seem to get it out of my head.  Too bad going green can be so expensive (I'm referencing clothes here).    There's an etsy shop I love but just about everything is $100+.  Great materials, earth friendly dyes, handmade, and is so granola I'm in love.  I just can't afford it period.  Not to mention since I've totally let myself go I don't even want to buy clothes - It's like admitting I'm actually this big.

I'm not huge. I have always been big, very shy, and I was smaller once.  It's been planted in my head that if I were smaller I would be happier.  I would. I know I would be.  This ain't no anorexia shit either.  I'm 5'7 and probably weigh slightly over 180.  I'm ashamed of how I look now - fortunately my skin is finally coming back from the dark side!

blarg. got distracted.  Time to post this bitch.  Apologies for the cliff ending....

Ciao Bellas!

I've probably mentioned this before or perhaps I haven't because I've been fixated on my weight, but either way I suppose I can consider myself a fledgling tree-hugger, hippie, environmentalist...or my favorite going granola. 

I watch as many documentaries as I can (when the boyfriend's not around so I don't bore him to death).  Most of them are similar because I tend to focus on food and environmental docs.  I watch these movies (essentially all saying similar things in different ways - WE NEED TO CHANGE!) to reinforce my own attempts at being a 'better' or more educated person.  I've gotten rid of most toxic cleaners - although finding alternative cleaners that are an alternative to vinegar has been interesting sometimes.  The boyfriend can not stand the smell of vinegar to the point where it makes him nauseous.  Anyways, I just finished watching the film Bag It.  More stats on what we are doing to the planet, trying to portray the mind boggling scope of our own waste - on even a daily or hourly or 5 min basis.  It's actually quite sickening.

The other day I was Trader Joe's (which I love by the way) but I had trouble bringing myself to buying any veggies.  Why they are all wrapped in plastic - which seems a bit odd in comparison to their ideals or at least the image they want the public to see of them.  Perhaps Trader Joe's never intended to have produce in their stores (from the get go) but really I couldn't find a head of romaine lettuce that stood on it's own.  All lettuces were wrapped in some way or another - the romaine always in three packs.  I only needed one!

One of my main goals for myself is to really stop buying or consuming things I really don't need....but I will always buy makeup I won't use or clothes I won't wear.  Why because I think they are awesome but then I don't care enough in my appearance to look decent enough and tend to have too little money to really go out anywhere.  I used to but back then I was on borrowed credit, a mistake which has very much shaped who I am today.

I fear I will become on of those people who shove their ideals in your face and try to make you feel bad about yourself because you haven't heard all of the horrible things I am consistently exposing myself to.  The truth seems to be this ugly thing that no one wants to look at.

I need to get a garden up and going - just a little one that's all I need. Until eventually it will take over the entire apartment and we engineer a way to turn the apartment into an indoor greenhouse.  And when I say tomatoes I mean tomatoes damn it, and basil and broccoli and onions and all the other wonderful foods that will taste better when homegrown.  I assume it will taste better because of the SPAM theory.  As a kid my Dad would tell me that SPAM was the most disgusting thing ever until they went camping at which point it would be transformed into this wonderfully flavorful delight.  Mind you my Grandma did a lot of cooking.  She had seven kids and I doubt she and her husband made much, he was a high school teacher and she was a nurse, but I don't know for how long or if she worked after she started having kids.  Either way her cooking was amazing, oh how I miss Grandma's cooking.  I tell you this simply because compared to real food I'm sure SPAM was awful.  But once you're running around in the woods for a few days living off of canned beans and other various canned goods...SPAM's not looking so bad. 

So the SPAM theory is a bit off from homegrown tasting better - the original thought had something to do with effort and working up and appetite.  Oh well, the SPAM theory is officially out into the interwebs.  This post is now considered a success.

Now what was I talking about initially?  Something about crazy tree-huggers. I kid...for the most part.  I never want to be in anyone else's face but considering how awful people have been to each other and the planet I can understand the need and want to try and shake sense into others.  Am I perfect, obviously not.  I like to go to raves - talk about disposable waste, glow sticks anyone?  I bought one of every color of those color fading flashlights. Booyah bitches.  They're brighter last longer and allow me to see the handle inside that nasty port-a-potty (not that anyone ever wants to see the inside of one).  And yes I do still buy glowsticks...why?  Because they're cheap, they look cool, and it ain't a rave without um.  Oh hypocrisy. 

Can I admit that I don't want to think about using anything reusable for cleaning out the litter box?  I try to limit the plastic packaging I buy, I definitely recycle and I save any plastic bag I come across for cleaning out the litter box.  Although that is more because I am cheap vs. saving the planet (obviously because it then goes immediately to a land fill). Ugh.  No wonder 'hippies' are so grumpy all the time.  People are fucking frustrating.

My boss is frustrating - bet you think it's because he doesn't care about the planet or stuff like that.  Nope! Quite the opposite really.  He's the guy preaching about how green he is because of this or that.  He has great intentions and tries to follow through on his own words and promises and to be honest his ideals are commendable....but sometime's you just want to punch him in the face.

Why?  I do the shopping at work.  The guys in the office are used to good food - think organic as close to natural as possible with exceptions of course. We're human...but I am the one who gets the plastic and sustainable speeches over and over again.   I would say that the company is on the cusp of doing really well financially and we are getting closer and closer to building the company they've been working towards.  But when it comes to money it's not there yet.  So me buying organic apples, produce, meat and other things well that costs money and quite frankly, if I weren't a catch all, a lot of food would just rot in our fridge.

Considering what my finances have been over the past 6-7 months one should understand why I hate wasting money on things that rot.  Makeup's different - it doesn't go bad for months/years!  Short recap - I left my job which was costing my hundreds of dollars on chiropractic care for a job that cut my earnings in half.  We're talking earning roughly 1400 (take home) a month to just above or under a grand.  I went from getting a $7-800 check every two weeks to getting $1000 at the beginning of the month.  You take out rent and budgeting utilities (the money had to be there to come out) and suddenly you are out half a paycheck.  Let's just say Christmas was lean this year and I got pretty good at budgeting/learning to entertain myself at home.  I put off $30 purchases for months.  I still haven't gotten a hair cut...I've gotten my eyebrows done once since my pay increase back up to normal size. 

Of course I have spent a bunch of money buying essential oils and other natural cosmetic supplies.  Gotta build up an aresenal.  Or this is just what I do - I get into a new phase and buy as many of the supplies as I can afford to go with my new thing.  I lose a lot of money.  It's a bad habit - I like new things or really cool old things, both of which are expensive.  I will learn to make my own clothes or so I tell myself.  I want good natural fabrics but I am not spending $60 on a shirt (a plain shapeless tee). it's ridiculous.  Someday I can buy $40 of fabric, make a skirt, a shirt and perhaps save bits of the fabric to make a scarf or something.  I have no idea.  I haven't gotten a chance to get into it yet.

I threw a curve ball at myself and I'm still limping off the field from catching said ball with my face.  I love metaphors, they don't really have to make sense.

Well I am now officially tired and rambling so I think this is a good place to end for the evening.

Ciao Bellas!

So this blog was intended to keep my accountable for not doing what I said I would be doing.

Well...surprise, surprise...I have neither done what I set out to do or keep myself accountable for not doing said things.  I knew this would happen.  However, I will say that I have in fact been fairly busy and have spent the last few weeks in recovery and discovering a new frame of life.

I believe that the last few times I wrote I was angry, anxious, frustrated, overly stressed, and basically just wanted to tell everyone to "fuck off!"  Oddly enough, that's kinda what I did.  Okay not everyone just the people who were unintentionally giving me the most grief.

Essentially I freaked the fuck out and moved out of my house and into a new apartment in a two week span.  My head is still spinning from the reality of it and wondering how in the hell I actually managed to pull it off??  I have  never done anything like this before.

I should say that a big contributor to my freak out/motivation was the diet pills I was taking.  In the beginning they were great because I was never hungry and I was warm instead of cold (tail end of winter/coldest part of spring) and I had endless amounts of energy.  Unfortunately, I had endless amounts of energy and clarity as long as I was at my desk.  However, since I wasn't eating much the few times I rode my bike home I could feel my legs ache with every hill I needed to climb.  At the time my house was slightly uphill the full 6.5 miles.

There were definitely other draw backs as well.  I wasn't sleeping - I didn't need to.  Well, let me rephrase, I would go to bed late, wake up multiple times worried I had overslept, and then I would wake up early.  So I was almost never rested.  Beyond the sleeping I have been having the worst acne of my life.

My face was pretty bad for a while too - the usual high school stuff and it really runs in my family.  I suppose I am here to admit everything...acne while it has been pretty bad in my life wouldn't be nearly as bad if I didn't pick.  It's the grossest thing I can think of and the reason I have always done it is because the idea of pus (anywhere!) absolutely disgusts me so I needed it out of my body.

That's probably weird, but I'd rather get it out of my face and deal with a scab than pus.  Until dried out skin became the next target to destroy.  This disgusting background is only to demonstrate the toll that this acne from the past few months has been like.  So pair breaking out with heightened anxiety and jittery fingers.  It's been horrible. I finally feel like I can begin to wear my hair up again - obviously with makeup.

This is where I tell you I have stopped taking the pills.  The main side affects that I had when I was on them were the ones mentioned above, bad BO (my body was doing everything it could to release those extra toxins), and another topic no one wants. I haven't pooed normally since I started them.

Unfortunately these are the things no one wants to say or hear.  But here they are and they are true.  Of course, this blog has turned into a weight/food thing I knew it would even though I didn't want it to.  I guess that's what I'm focused on for now, so that's what I'm  going to talk about.  Sorry.

I'm writing today because: 1. I haven't in forever 2. I want this to become a habit and 3. I've been watching this show called Supersize vs. Superskinny.  Leave it to the Brits to have a show pitting an obese person with a severely underweight person and having them meet in their underwear and forcing them to swap diets for a week.  I of course love it.  I find it absolutely fascinating.

They of course, so far of what I have seen all worked to improve their eating habits and done fairly well.  But trying to get to the roots of my issues are easy and hard. 

I am aware of my unhealthy relationship with food.  For about 2 hrs the left over sausage from last night's dinner beckoned me from the fridge.  I resisted that but gave into yogurt with jam. YUM!  My delicious yogurt is not the point here.  My current relationship stems from two stages of history. The first being that I have grown up heavy.  There were apparently issues from childhood that I have blocked out (to the best of my knowledge, I really can't remember 90% of childhood).  So issues, teamed with a single Dad who worked long hours to provide for his two daughters led to overeating and being overweight.  At the end of high school and the beginning of college I decided enough was enough and essentially stopped eating.

I lost the weight I wanted to, almost fainted (only once), was tired a lot, and of course my skin was horrendous.  I have always assumed malnutrition.  During that time I felt soo weak.  I  can't stand feeling weak.  I'm not sure where that came from but for example:  If I drank too much one night I would rather have the spins and deal with the hangover for 2 days than throw up (to get it out of my system).  I never got to the point of bulimia - which I had decided was my low point to admit that I had an eating disorder.  Somehow I got over it or decided I wanted some cheese, or I don't remember... either way I went towards the opposite end of the spectrum.  I began to overeat again and soon that habit was a way of me making sure that I wasn't under eating.  At the time that seemed like a better option.

So which prison is worse?  Daydreaming ALL day about the foods you want to eat and deny yourself. Or cram in more food because you don't want to leave your room because your clothes don't fit and you just polished off another snack.  Both are rooted in a deep seeded hatred for your body.  Both symptoms come from the same virus. 

Looking back it seems silly considering how much I love food and the taste of food.  I clearly don't need to worry about not eating enough anymore.

I weighed myself just now 179.4.  Currently the heaviest I have ever seen on a scale before.  I don't feel that heavy.  I know that I am and I'm not even sure if I look like 180.  Either way I have naturally sat around 150 (until I decided that was too big and did a semi-anorexia thing).

So there you go my unhealthy relationship with food - and it's rather long TMI introduction.  But that's what I have and it's true.  Despite the lack that I probably should have lied/hidden most of that.

Thank you and Goodnight.

Perhaps I'll see you soon!

Hello blog.

It's been a few days.  Life's been busy.

I work at an accounting firm.  The tax deadline is in 10 days.  Lets just say the guys are a bit overwhelmed.  I answer the phones and do other admin things, so I'm busy but it's not too bad.

Anywho, since the boyfriend and I have finished our projects I don't really have anything to admit that I haven't done.  So a few posts ago I am venting about roommates, and back then my frustration was presenting itself in a depressive/desperate state.  I have since moved on to anger.    Anger to the point where if I can't wash my dirty dishes, but the sink is filled with my plates....I want to break them.  Smash them to bits.  Because, well, if you think about it - for example I never use my big plates, only small plates, bowls, and plate bowls - since everyone else is borrowing my stuff and disrespecting it...perhaps I should remove that temptation from them. 

If I can't trust you to respect my things then why the fuck should I let you use them?  My cutting board has actually warped (from going in the dishwasher) - I'm weird and the feel of dried out wood/wet wood sends tingles up and down my body.  Hell even thinking about them can do it.  Unfortunately, I prefer wood, and I am willing to put up with it.  I even used to spread protective oil on them (tingles galore!!) but I wanted to keep my things nice and that's the price I had to pay. 

The problem is there's no good time to go into a kitchenware speech.  Either demon spawn Lydia is around - all the time. Using my shit.   Some people get under your skin.  They borrow deep into your brain and then they reek havoc on your brain.  A cocaine addicted melodramatic drunk, assaulted my roommate, threatened to kill herself, stole rent money from said roommate, tried to get between him and his family....and yet here they are still dating acting like nothing happened.  Like I said earlier. Anger!

Seeing her makes my blood boil.  When forced to think about her I can feel my adrenaline coursing through my veins.  You wanna talk about cortisol and how it's bad for the body.  The side effect of her in my life was probably 20 lbs!  On the logical side she's not a horrible person but she's generally not sober long enough to not be a horrible person ( I will admit she's been better lately - but another round is coming, there's always another round ).   I will also admit that I am biased.  She changed who I was/am.  I'd never gotten into a screaming match before her, I've never caused a fucking scene in a bar before her. I've never wanted to destroy someone until I met her.

Maybe I should fly off the handle.  I've been spending all of my energy to manage my anger...and I do mean all of it.  Here in lies the problem.  I shouldn't leave the house yet.  My boyfriend can't leave and the guys we live with (and apparently their girlfriends - who are also really good friends, its a small fucked up world I live in) are his friends.  I don't want to say something I will regret.  I don't want to damage his relationships and while I really want to screw them over in doing so fucks over the boyfriend.  So here I am ranting to the cosmos on my Saturday morning...it's a beautiful day, it actually is which can be rare in Portland spring.  Here's to another day of pushing the feelings down as deep as I can muster so that I don't explode before I leave for work.

P.S. I've lost just under 3 lbs! yay.

Sphinx came back!  Which is awesome until she meows literally ALL night.  Now I get to actually take pictures of her.  I'm gonna do it this time around.  The circumstances around her departure are well confusing/a void of knowledge.

The day she left she was their when the boy and I left for work and then when we got back she was gone.  The room mates on the other hand have been unemployed since then and well to be perfectly honest don't pay enough attention to pretty much anything around the house so they have no clue.  Or is there something more sinister involved?  Probably not.  But I don't even know what to do if the cats start peeing on things again.

Our house was just beginning to not reek anymore.  It took probably a box of baking soda to get it back to that point.  Oy.  Sphinx is a commitment, now that she's had all of her shots and been fixed it's not so bad but I'm sure she has fleas again (her medication lapsed while she was out). Which means there's a good chance we'll need to get her dewormed again.  Ick.  Perhaps we'll try the pill with her this time. Or just take her in for the shot.

The peeing though. oy the peeing. I suppose I should admit that doing double duty on the chores again sounds less than appealing.  But the boy loves her and he was soo happy when he came back with her.

We are totally our cats.  I am Squish.  Quiet, reserved, runs away from loud noises and fairly socially awkward, but I do work my way into your heart.  My boy and Sphinx on the other hand.  In your face adorable, snuggle whores, but sometimes they just don't get it.  Like Sphinx and the litter box for a while.

Man oh man I hope getting fixed helps/solves the territorial problem (peeing).  The problem is I assume that both of them were marking.  I don't think Squish is totally innocent in this, although I do know that I never had a problem with her (that I didn't deserve) until another cat was in the picture.

Speaking of pictures!

I finally have a picture up...yay!  Okay so it's a bit blurry I didn't clean up the area and I only used my phone.  I'm such a bad photog.  Oddly enough I am actually pretty good with my camera... ya know when I use it.  Anyways these are the planter boxes we made.  I think they're awesome.  If reality was the inside of my head I would have thinner edged concrete planters.  But my imagination isn't exactly practical - or on a budget.

It would be pretty awesome if the boy and I went into business together.  That includes a damn near impossible  prefect storm of fortunate events.  A girl can dream though right?  Me the brains and my man the brawns.  Granted without money coming in somehow I'm kind of a bitch.  I don't like to stress about money.  Because of this I like 9-5.  Although I should really get off my butt and start going after those dreams I mentioned earlier.

Too bad 9-5 takes up so much time during the day...  it'd be soo much easier to follow your dreams on the side if it didn't.

Back to the daily grind.  More bitching/ranting mixed in with some optimism later.

Ciao Bellas.

After my last post I wanted to pull my hair out screw over everyone in the house and pretty much yell fuck you to the world.

While I was in PMS fueled hysterics, (it happens but really only when I'm at the end of my rope), I would say I made some valid points and those deserve to be remembered.  So now that the hormones have switched gears and my emotional state has equalized a bit, life is better and bit more manageable.  This weekend the boy and I were actually really productive.  It was kind of weird but good!  I've moved my desk area into the bedroom.  It may just be a vain attempt to commandeer an area of solitude but my hope is that it will keep me from going completely insane while I save "oodles" of money until we move out.

Until the day we get to move out/today there will be slight shopping binges.  Today's binge...glitter and OCC lip tars.  The glitter I want will be coming in a pack and will include eye safe glitter glue a brush or two and I'll be getting a few colors.  I want black and either a silver that reflects rainbow colors or one that looks like crushed diamonds. I'm not sure.  But then apparently there is also an online purchase giveaway which is a beige glitter, and hypothetically one of the beauty blogs I follow has a deal where if you put her name in the coupon thing you get a free glitter as well.  That'd be sweet but that video was posted almost two years ago...but worth a shot!

The lip tars.  I want a vibrant red (which should last a lifetime) and then there's ANIME!  a neon pink and wicked awesome.  The only time I think I would even wear it would be at raves.  Lip tars are also supposed to last for hours (all day), super pigmentation, and not destroy your lips. Stoked!  But after those two purchases I'm pretty much done with my extra spending for April.  That will probably end up being near $100. I'm not proud of my obsessions but I have managed to hold myself off for months now.  That's really good for me.

Not only have I managed to show some willpower I have consistently wanted these for the same amount of time.  Usually I give in or I forget about it/convince myself I really don't want it after all to spend $$ on something more practical.  Now I need to buy a lip brush or two.  Nothing fancy...

Looks like my sewing machine dreams are going to be put on hold for a bit.  Oh well.  Need to contact the family.  1. becuase I am a horrible daughter/sister/friend who falls off the face of the planet for months at a time 2. because my sis may have an extra sewing machine.  Option 2 would be sweet but I really do miss my family sometimes and yet I never really get around to calling.  Fail.

Good news though.  Cat beds - done. Planter boxes - done and apparently tasty!  Washcloth into loufa (sp?) - DONE!  Like I said the boy and I were really productive this weekend.  This week/this weekend will be working on his 'rave' hair.  It'll be a spin-off of my cyberlox, only not a ponytail and with smaller 'cyberlox' or crin.

So many project to potentially start.  Pictures soon.

Its been a few days. (written on March 23rd)

Not too much has changed since a few days ago...  Work is stressful (well the guys are stressed which causes tension), the boyfriend is still awesome, the cat beds are still unfinished, but the planter boxes are ready for soil and seed, and my house has officially broken me.

I've decided I can't take it anymore.  And to be perfectly honest there's really nothing keeping me here except me admitting to  my dad that my life does in fact suck and I'm floundering on my own.  I should rephrase.   My life doesn't suck, but over the past few years I have sacrificed happiness and essentially who I am to pay bills.

My credit debt is gone.  I live in Portland (which means that decent living is incredibly doable as long as you restrain yourself some).  Example:  I used to work at a car dealership and while I was making 11.50 an hour full time and even though I was spending half of my month's income on rent, it was downtown in a decent area and an adorable apartment.  I fell in love with that apartment when I first laid eyes on it.  At the time I was also spending 200-400 on my debt, (usually 300).  Fact is that's the kind of life I prefer.  I will would give up space over quality.  Unfortunately, the boy is the opposite.

One day you wake up and suddenly you can't take it anymore.  There's not enough logic in the world to justify being unhappy.  I'm miserable in my house.  My room mates are decent people and I would like them a lot more if I didn't live with them.  Let's just say I am living with my boyfriends friends.

I want to be the asshole that just picks up and leaves.  Half the kitchen is mine, the nice furniture is mine.  All of the furniture in one of my roommates bedroom is mine.  The bed, the desk, and now the second lamp.  Before I can move I do need to downsize.  I like having the space we have now but honestly I just don't need all this shit.

So what drives me crazy?

Last night:  drinking,loud noises, drinking, drug run, drinking,  more loud noises.

This morning: I sleep next to a dubstep club.  Obviously not literally but it's loud and it's always on.  Pretty much if he is conscious.

There are four of us in the house.  Half are unemployed.  One of them just found out his employment application was rejected because his boss isn't going to pony up.  His boss while a jackass and a crook is justified in my opinion.  I wouldn't give him unemployment if I were him.  In fact I would have fired him months ago.  Back when he was skipping work to get trashed.  If I were the boss I would pay my employees a decent wage and try not to fuck them over to the point where they could report me to the IRS. Yes its a fucked up situation.

I have no pity though.  In fact I believe in Karma and try to live accordingly.  The short story of my house is that its damn near impossible for me to relax here and up until recently (since 2 people are now unemployed) I was the only one who would do any cleaning around the house.  I'm still the only one who does anything outside.  I girl + 3 boys and who is the one to break out the lawnmower??  Yup, I do the dishes, vacuum, and do the yard work.  Beyond that I also take care of the bills.

I need to get out of here.  Oddly enough, what really made me realize how miserable I've been is the diet pills I've started taking.  They made me realize just how much food I have been eating trying to fill some void in my life.  Now that I'm not constantly trying to kill my pain with food I just want to kill the pain.  It's a much more proactive way to go about the issue.

When you realize what you want to do with your life you realize how much all the other shit really doesn't matter.  Even beyond that all this shit that doesn't matter I don't need to put up with it either.  I love my boyfriend but if I need to move out before him I am willing to do that.  I don't know if he realizes how desperate I'm starting to become.

I's going to start packing as soon as the weather warms up enough to take the tarps down leading up the attic.  That's where all of our boxes are.

  I think I prefer the Matrix.

Today is one of those days that started out all right and then it just goes sour somehow.

I'm sure I'm like most people when I wonder if there is something wrong with me.  I suppose I even have legitimate reasons to be unhappy.  But at what point are those 'reasons' just logical excuses? 

My life isn't bad.  As you can tell there are things I really don't like about it, but all in all I'm in decent to good health, I have an amazing boyfriend, a good family, I live in a decent house, and I make more money than I need on a monthly basis.

Ever since college (about 4 years now) something seems off.  There just always seems to be something.  After graduation I lived with my best friend and her boyfriend (nice guy an all but they were not good for each other),  at the time I was also unemployed (8 months) and 90% of my friends moved away.  Once I was employed (underemployed) things were looking up.  I met and started dating my now best friend...until the job got worse to the point of dreading to wake up in the morning and then proceeded to bitch every night.  At this point I am in a new job.  Not much higher in terms of pay or even skill level - but there's a respect to it and even beyond that the boss treats his employees as well as he possibly can.

 Woot for triple bottom line.

And yet here I am stuck in a mind rant and I can't seem to escape it.  Something isn't enough.  Do I know what's missing? Nope.  I can guess, but once I get it then what? Then there will just be something else I want.  It's like I'm constantly searching for something.  Let's just say that etsy.com was very dangerous for my bank account for a while.

I've curbed my spending instinct - yes shopping very much comforts me, almost as much as food, but the constant nagging for needing or wanting something just always seems to be there.

I know I feel alienated but for some reason I don't want to do anything about it yet.  Like I'm waiting for my life to improve before I bring anyone else into it.  I hate being a drag on others - who wants to be that guy??  I don't so I sink into myself...assuming that if I focus on this mystery thing long enough to figure out what it is so I can fix it on my own.

Unfortunately, I know this doesn't affect just me.  I've gotten social numbers to pretty much 4-10 people in my life but they will always be there.  My boy isn't going anywhere (at least I don't know what I would do if he did), a few others are family, and the last couple are friends for life.

I didn't want this blog to be about this.  Honestly, not my intention. Must some days you just need to let out some vague anguish to anyone (or this case no one).

Tomorrow is another day and hopefully I will get something done outside of work...(still have not worked on the cat beds/planters since this weekend).  Not a surprise but in my defense it's really fucking cold outside.

That's it the world's ending!

'Til next time.

Day 4 of blogging.  Somewhat sporadically but that's okay...it's not like anyone is hanging on to my every word.

Still no word from Sphinx.

There' s a chance foul play is afoot....or she's a stray and didn't feel like sticking around any longer.  It's tough to say.  I'm honestly just hoping she's okay - and not stuck in one of our vents again.  That would be really bad - we've had the heater running constantly.

We didn't finish the cat boxes last night. No surprise there. Nor did we put on another coat on the planter boxes - ditto.

What we did end up doing was hanging out at a tattoo parlor while our friend got another one.  He's an artist and finally branded himself with one of his own.  I'm an internet fiend and have about 10 blogs/sites that I check almost daily... ugliesttattoos.com is one of the ones I check about once a week.  As an off shoot of failblog.org, they obviously showcase the worst in people's taste but lately they seem to be doing more WIN!s.  Which of course just makes me want the one I've been planning soo much more.

I have the design, I have the place, I technically have the money, all I really need to do is finalize the coloring in my head.  I have two tattoos already.  Both about  an inch and a half in diameter and fairly easy to hide.  Nope! No tramp stamp.  I have a nordic rune on my left wrist and a variation of a triskele on my hip.

All of my tattoos are personal and are blood related.  The triskele is my symbol.  If I were Prince this would be my name.  I still love it although it could use a touch up.  The rune or "Helm of Awe" is a tat I got with my sis to symbolize our heritage (on one side of the family) and then it turned we aren't 'Viking' after all.  Oh well.  We're still blood.  The next one I want is in memory of my Grandma.  She passed away in December of 2009 and life hasn't been the same since.

It's not that we talked everyday or anything.  She was essentially the only real Mother I ever knew and just an amazingly strong and caring woman to boot.  She raised 7 kids, lived through more than one bout of cancer, religious (and actually loved thy neighbor) and was always in the kitchen.

One of her best qualities was that she was who she needed to be for everyone she knew.  With me she was a hand to hold, a lingering hug at the end of the night, and now more than ever a source for inspiration.  I was spoiled growing up and I wasn't smart enough to realize just how much.

I could go through my memories (admittedly there aren't enough of them).  I don't actually remember most of my childhood.  Below 12 is pretty much a blur.  And, through later snooping, apparently not a good time in my life.  I grew up with my Dad (who I gain more respect for everyday) and my Mom was purposefully a bit of a mystery.  I knew her, I saw her growing up but who she really is I will never know.

I will say this.  I have trust and commitment issues.   As far as trust goes, I trust you easily until I have been given a reason not to (yes of course second chances are given).  But once you're done you're done, I see no point in keeping someone in my life if I can't trust them.  Needless to say I have a small group of friends.

The commitment thing.  Well I've been dating my boyfriend for almost 3 years now.  I can easily see myself growing old with him, have never thought of cheating on him, can only think of two reasons to break up (1. He cheats on me 2. I cheat on him)...and yet the thought of marriage or buying a house, or sharing banks accounts terrifies me.

Who knows.

Well this has gotten long....til next time.

Ciao Bellas!

Cat bed pictures are coming soon.  Unfortunately, that probably means next week.  I haven't gotten out to Michael's or Joann's to get one little thing I need but that I think will really make a difference.  I think we need some little round poles to soften the edges of our cat hammock boxes.  Something to reinforce the fabric from staple wear.

Although we did get a coat of paint onto our planter boxes!  They'll be a nice glossy gray which should make the cat grass pop that much more.  Stoked.  Can't wait to see them.  Although one of our cats is missing.

We have two cats.  Squish who belongs to me and is completely dependent on me is a massive fluff ball and my baby.  Our other cat, Sphinx, is my boyfriends cat and had been a stray for a few years (and produced litters and litters of kittens).  Sphinx is adorable, she has amazingly huge clear green eyes and really only makes cute little noises when she's happy or wants something.  So Sphinx and Squish are kind of opposites so it's hard to decide who to love more.  Squish minds her business and rarely wants to hang out.  But honestly I've never really had an issue with her (unless she was punishing me for leaving her).  Sphinx on the other hand wants attention all the time (looking up at you with those giant eyes), she'll sit on your lap for hours...BUT... she seems to still be peeing on the carpet.  Or Squish was doing it because she's mad about Sphinx.

So yes, Sphinx is missing again.  Admittedly, she does this every once in a while.  She'll just disappear for a few days at a time.  Thank god we got her fixed not too long ago.  According to the doc she was slut.   It's been about three days and she's usually back by now wanting food.

I guess that's what's going on with me...oh yah!

So I live in Portland, OR.  Bikes rule the streets.   Let's just say that bikers hate cars and cars hate bikers.  Unfortunately, there are just as many shitty bicyclists as there are shitty drivers.  Anyways, I'm getting back into riding my back (the whole weight thing and it would be nice to make my own hours).  Normally the boy and I carpool so there's a coordination every night.  Back to the point, since winter seems to be about to break and I was working on a Sat, I rode my bike in and totally ate shit.

Damn you slick roads!  Did a full on tuck and roll.  Have a few bruises but honestly the only thing hurt here was my pride.  I'm just glad there weren't any cars around to 'secretly' celebrate my pain.  However, the runner I more than likely would have not have hit at all helped me back up and was real nice about it.  Should bring my bike into the shop though, my front brakes seem to have a rough spot on them.  Sucky.

So yah my first day back and I eat pavement.  I actually found a fleck of road reflective paint on my forehead when I got to work.  Oh yah, I was hoping for some good luck this spring.  However, after yesterday, and breaking two mirrors in the process. I think I'd better watch my back instead.

I suppose that's it for now.  My life's not that exciting but stuff does happen occasionally I guess.

Ciao Bellas!

P.S. I wasn't wearing any green when this happened and I suppose I'm Scottish after all.